How do you parent your kids when you feel disqualified?
Lights On with Carl Lentz
B-Side
4.8 • 797 Ratings
🗓️ 18 May 2026
⏱️ 45 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com
When a parent emailed asking how to discipline their kids after blowing up the family, we knew this conversation needed its own episode. Their question went deeper than discipline though. It was about authority. How do you lead your kids when you feel completely disqualified? And how do you stabilize their nervous system when yours is barely holding together?
In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura sit with the parent who knows the unique pain of trying to show up for their kids after wrecking the very thing that was supposed to make them feel safe. They walk through three pillars that have carried their own family through six years of repair: posture, honesty, and confidence. None of them are what most people assume they are.
You'll hear why your kids don't lose respect when you fail, they lose it when you pretend you didn't. Why removing discipline out of guilt actually steals the safety your children are craving most. Why secrecy "to protect them" usually does the opposite, and what the merry-go-round study reveals about the boundaries kids actually need. Carl gets honest about the dad voice that had to be retired and the one that took its place. Laura speaks directly to the betrayed spouse navigating their own version of this, and why the temptation to triangulate with your kids is one of the most costly choices a parent can make.
Stay for the lighthouse metaphor, the turbulence-on-a-plane illustration that will change the way you talk to your kids about hard things, and the honest truth about how we tagged in and tagged out on the days neither of them had anything left to give.
If you're parenting through repair, or watching someone you love try to, this one is for you.
Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
Chapters:
0:00 - Intro
0:41 - Welcome & Episode Overview
1:25 - Book Announcement & How to Reach the Show
1:59 - The email
2:46 - Why This Moment Can Go Right or Wrong
3:45 - The 3 Keys: Posture, Honesty & Confidence
3:56 - What "Posture" Actually Means
4:26 - Wrong Posture: "I'm Still the Parent, Do What I Say"
5:01 - Right Posture: Own It, Repair It, Show Up Every Day
5:49 - Kids Lose Respect When You Pretend Nothing Happened
6:20 - The Guilt Trap: Why Discipline Can't Disappear
7:03 - Removing Discipline Removes Safety
7:49 - What Discipline Actually Sounds Like Now
8:46 - Holding the Line Consistently Rebuilds Trust
9:32 - Being Firm AND Humble at the Same Time
10:51 - God Behind Bars
11:24 - Correct With Empathy, Not Just Authority
12:16 - Discipline From Responsibility, Not Guilt
13:32 - Honesty — Why Parents Get This Wrong
14:18 - Silence Seeds More Instability (Real Story: Charlie)
16:00 - The Pattern You're Setting Without Knowing It
17:16 - What Honesty Actually Looks Like (Without Oversharing)
18:25 - BetterHelp
19:25 - Pushback: "I Don't Want to Break My Kid's Heart"
20:28 - Sample Language to Use With Your Kids
21:21 - The Fence Study: Why Kids Need Boundaries
22:09 - Secrecy Destroys Trust
22:33 - Turbulence Analogy: Be the Pilot, Not the Silence
23:30 - The Cost of Waiting Too Long to Be Honest
25:06 - Confidence — The Stabilizer
26:47 - The Betrayed Spouse's Crucial Role
27:26 - Wonder Project
28:30 - Don't Put Kids in the Middle
29:20 - Kids Will Be Angry, Test You, and Lose Trust — That's Normal
29:49 - Your Job: Stay Consistent, Not Control Their Reaction
30:56 - The Spouse's Rôle: Supporting Rebuilding
31:43 - When Kids Push Back: Simple Language That Works
33:04 - Find a Safe Outlet — Don't Dump on Your Kids
33:40 - The Lighthouse Dad Analogy
34:46 - Policy Genius
35:56 - How Did You Stabilize the Kids When You Were Unstable?
37:44 - Progress Isn't Linear — Good Days, Bad Days, Keep Going
38:09 - More Clinical Help on Kids' Nervous Systems Is Coming
38:47 - Final Encouragement: Recap of Posture, Honesty & Confidence
40:20 - Outro & How to Reach the Show
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | This episode of the Lights on podcast is sponsored by Better Help. If you are anything like me, |
| 0:07.7 | there are things that sit in the background of your life, thoughts, pressures, things you |
| 0:12.0 | haven't fully worked through yet. If you're human, you know what I'm talking about. In May, |
| 0:16.5 | being Mental Health Awareness Month, it's a really good moment to just pause and ask yourself, |
| 0:21.2 | how am I actually doing? What if you could feel a little bit lighter in this season? You don't have |
| 0:28.3 | to figure everything out on your own, but having somebody to talk through who's there to listen and |
| 0:32.6 | support you and give you angles maybe you have not considered can change how you move through things |
| 0:36.9 | in this life. |
| 0:37.7 | So you don't have to be on this journey alone. Find support and have somebody with you in therapy. |
| 0:43.7 | Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash lights on. That's betterhelp.com slash lights on. |
| 0:53.0 | You never know. Maybe there's something for you in this season that you can work |
| 0:57.5 | out that can create more peace in your life and the lives of those around you therapy is an |
| 1:03.9 | important part of finding that piece so check it out today betterhelp.com slash lights on this episode of the lights on podcast is sponsored by |
| 1:15.0 | better help if you are anything like me there are things that sit in the background of your |
| 1:20.8 | life thoughts pressures things you haven't fully worked through yet if you're human you know |
| 1:25.3 | what i'm talking about and In May, being Mental Health |
| 1:28.1 | Awareness Month, it's a really good moment to just pause and ask yourself, how am I actually doing? |
| 1:34.4 | What if you could feel a little bit lighter in this season? You don't have to figure everything out |
| 1:39.9 | on your own, but having somebody to talk through who's there to listen and support you and |
| 1:43.9 | give you angles maybe you have not considered can change how you move through things in this life. |
| 1:48.4 | So you don't have to be on this journey alone. |
| 1:50.9 | Find support and have somebody with you in therapy. |
... |
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