How an Abuser Refusing to Make Decisions Becomes a Form of Control

Narcissist Apocalypse: Patterns of Abuse

Abuse Survivor Network

Relationships, Society & Culture, Education, Self-improvement, True Crime

4.7 • 796 Ratings

🗓️ 21 July 2026

⏱️ 13 minutes

🔗️ Recording | Apple Podcasts | RSS

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Summary

In this episode of Narcissist Apocalypse, Brandon discusses how an abusive person can maintain control while appearing to let their partner make every decision. They refuse to participate, leave the planning and responsibility to someone else, and then criticize, blame, sulk, or become angry once a choice has been made. Brandon explains how this creates a no-win situation where the victim must constantly predict what the abuser wants, despite never being told what that is. Over time, the victim may take on the invisible labor of running the household, managing the finances, and preventing problems, while the abuser remains outside the process until there is something to criticize. The episode also explores how this pattern creates plausible deniability, keeps the victim focused on avoiding negative reactions, and slowly damages their confidence in their own judgment. What appears to be freedom can become a system of control built around blame, moving goalposts, and the fear of making the wrong choice.

Transcript

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0:00.0	Welcome to Narcissist Apocalypse everyone. I am Brandon Chadwick and today we will be discussing how an abuser can control you by refusing to make decisions.
0:16.1	So how can an abuser control you by refusing to make decisions? And this can be a very confusing thing, which is one reason why this type of control works so
0:27.3	well.
0:27.9	There is no one telling you where to go, where to eat, what to wear, what you cannot wear.
0:35.3	There are no direct orders of any kind.
0:38.6	And an abuser who uses this tactic might say right to your face that you are the one
0:43.4	who makes all of the decisions in the relationship.
0:46.4	They might even point to that as proof of your freedom.
0:50.5	So how could that be abusive when that happens?
0:54.0	They might always say they don't care and tell you to pick what to do, what to eat, what
0:59.6	restaurant we're going to go to.
1:01.8	Then they'll say that they are fine with everything.
1:04.6	The planning could be left to you.
1:06.4	The organizing could be left to you.
1:09.1	And from the outside, this could look like you have autonomy and power over your own life
1:14.0	and decisions.
1:15.4	And you might believe that as well.
1:17.4	However, after a while, you start to understand that your decisions will be surrounded by
1:22.2	criticism, sulking, anger, and blame.
1:26.5	And you start steering yourself around these reactions.
1:31.9	And over time, your decisions move further away from what you would actually choose.
1:37.3	And instead, you start to make choices based on avoiding the abuser's response.
	...

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