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So before we start, if you or the people you're listening with will be offended by

f***ing f***ing and f***ing well, it's probably best you turn the f***ing podcast off right now.

Hello, I'm Kaffee Book and welcome to this dark corner of the podcast sphere where all music in

the charts is in a minor key. It's a place of eternal sadness. Oh wait a second, what's all that

barking about? Oh, it's just a couple of the hounds of hell. Hello darling, how are you doing?

You're a good boy. What you got? You got a bow? A cosy breath. Off you go, off you go. Welcome to

as we get to grips with our certain destiny, it's time to welcome this week's guest to this

decomposing dead end. Now some podcasts are deep diving into politics while others are just

titting about, but on this show we're keeping it real-ish and planning a perfect funeral.

After all, it's the only thing that's definitely going to happen, so why not start getting a little

creative? And joining me today to talk about all things after life is the quite marvellous, the

quite brilliant, but a little bit of a trot. Dawn French. I've got a jingle. You've got a little

jingle. I've never come out jingle. Oh well there you go. Oh that's fantastic. It's classy here.

And it certainly is. So how are you doing? We were chatting away before the recall button

switched on. We realised we haven't actually seen each other since before the fucking band-in.

I know. I know. I don't know how that's happened except that I live a long way away. I live six

...