So when it comes to selection and you're choosing somebody to be with, how do you know if it's them, if it's them and the timing or if it's you and them together? I've come to believe that timing is pretty paramount to these things. There's wiggle room in there. You can be kind of ready thinking, you know, your life is shifted and you meet someone who pushes you over the edge and you go, wow, okay, you know, you evolve, you have a growth spurt a little quicker than you would have had if you hadn't met them. I don't have too much faith in relationships where the timing is horrible and someone is absolutely not ready and someone doesn't, is adamant against a relationship and someone comes along to change their mind. And you don't think in those moments they should tell themselves, well maybe it's just timing and I should stay with them because I think that that becomes a lot like, oh well maybe in a year or two when the timing is right for them. Well firstly you staying with them isn't going to make them more ready. In some ways you stunt their development by staying with them. For a lot of people, it keeps them in that phase of not being able to work through the things they need to work through in order to become ready. Now look, that's fine. If you're a certain age where you're just enjoying being with someone and you're also willing to say, you know what, I'm happy to lose three years here. I wouldn't see it as a loss because I just love this person and we're having a great time and if you know if at the end of three years there's still not in a place where they're ready I've got plenty of time to go and do the things I want to do. Do you think people actually say that or do you think like oh it delivers three years and then three years you're like but you're like, but I spent this long. There's that. This is called the sunk cost, by it, sort of sunk cost fallacy. By it. Pop committed. Yeah, when we keep throwing good time after bad, the fallacy is that because I've invested this much time and energy, I should, I now have to make it work. That is the easiest way to throw away your life. You mustn't. I can't stress this enough. People must not do this. You have to assume that what someone's telling you about what they want is the reality. If they're telling you they don't want to get married or if they're telling you they don't want kids or if they're telling you that they still want to play the field, you have to, have to, have to take that face value. It doesn't matter how much you want the thing. It's not going to change because you want it more. Someone's not going to love you more because you love them more. It is a terrible, terrible, wager that people make. People for whom it's the wrong time aren't even usually emotionally open enough to see the person in front of them for all that they are. You don't really know people, because you don't really get to know people on that level. If you're not serious, if you're not genuinely looking to build something amazing, you can have a connection, you can have chemistry, you can even love a bunch of things about a person. But you're not as invested in knowing them, in their journey, in really building something deep together and uncovering more about each other and being curious about the deepest parts of them. You are closed off to a certain level of connection. So, when you're with someone and you think they're in love with me, I'm in love with them, but they're just not ready.

You're discounting the kind of relationship you would be in with them if they were a kind of person that was ready. It wouldn't it would be different to the one you're in right now. You're convinced this is a relationship that has the depth you're looking for, but if you're with someone who's not ready, they're holding a piece of themselves back still that you don't even know

they're looking for. But if you're with someone who's not ready, they're holding a piece of themselves back still

that you don't even know they're holding back,

that you can't even feel they're holding back.

Because it's not visible,

and you can't know what they haven't shown you yet.

I really believe that we should...

If for anyone out there who is looking for a real relationship,

you should prize meeting someone. I'm not saying go into every first date asking what you're looking for. But I am really you would and I think I just naturally I think I would have. Well you can actually say that everything's tone. Yeah. If you can say it in a very conversational way like you know how's your experience on the apps? I don't know what you're looking for.

Like are you, are you, are you somebody's on the apps because you're looking, you're excited about meeting someone special or just having fun. Like, you're almost, when you're throwing out a serious question, you don't have to say it in a really serious way. You can ask a serious question in a casual way. Sometimes that's even nice from the point of view of,

I want you to answer honestly,

so I actually want you to be relaxed. ask a serious question in a casual way. Sometimes that's even nice from the point of view of,

I want you to answer honestly. So I actually want you to be relaxed. Mm-hmm. And I want you to not feel like there's pressure in your answer. I don't, maybe I don't even necessarily want you to know that there's a right answer right now. I just want you to talk to me. Just tell me about yourself. So it's not, I don't think you can't ask.

I'm just, you know, it's not about,

you don't have to put someone on interrogation in that first date, but I do think that we should be looking for someone that we know is actually open to a real relationship and anyone else It's a waste of time. But Matt, I met someone and they weren't ready and blah blah blah and now they are and we're together and whatever. Good for you. That's great. That's you're the exception because for every one of you I can list 20 people who state their time and their lives on someone changing and that person didn't change. Now there's lots of nuance in this. If someone

tells you I'm not sure I'm ready, then you have to do some calculations. You have to say, okay, I like this person. They're saying they're not sure I'm ready. That's an immediate giant red flag. It's not them saying, by the way, I'm not sure I know you well enough yet. That's fine. Let's get to know each other better than. If they're saying, I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship,

that is a giant red flag. They are telling you today, I am going to hurt you. In case you didn't hear, I am going to hurt you. They're telling you to your face that you are going to get your heart broken here. So you have to make a decision with that. Do I want to continue to invest in someone who says they're not sure they're ready for a relationship? Do you really want to do that? Now you may say if you're 25 and you're like, well, whatever. Yeah. I'm just going to have fun and we'll see where this goes. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm not judging that. Right.

But if you find yourself at a stage in your life where you

you know you are ready for something real and you're excited about that

and you've got someone in front of you who isn't just assessing whether you're right for them

but is assessing whether a relationship is even exciting to them?

...