Everyone knows I'm very violent.

I put that pumpkin outside as a warning.

Can you set fire to a turnip?

I'm thinking of an Adele song now.

Set fire to the turnip.

Put it into chat, GPI.

But bodily functions are normal, by the way.

I've shat on the coffee table, isn't that hilarious?

Hello all and welcome along to another round of problem solving in Wanging On with me, Graham Norton, and look who's there, Maria McIlley.

Hi, how are you?

I'm trying to elongate the summer, even though we're losing it, lost it. Well, we've lost it. By wearing white. It's nearly Halloween. No, I know. But down in the South Coast where it is a special microclimate, it's still been sunny. I'm still swimming. I know they put Christmas decorations on palm trees. It's so fabulous. Don't you do some weird Halloween thing in Hastings? You burn old people or something. What do you do? You're very feisty today. What happens? Something happens. No, there's lots of pagan rituals. Oh, yes. Now I'm in. A big bonfire night. Yes, yes. And you have people, they used to, not anymore, they used to black up like chimney sweeps. But that was like... It was misconstrued. It didn't really work on paper. And they used to have flaming torches. It's very pagan. Can't do that anymore. Health and safety. What was that to do with chimney sweeps as well? It's to do with, I don't know, it's pagan.

Who knows, I don't know.

As you know, I'm a proper Christian. So welcoming. Yes, and they have little strange creatures. They do one for May. They do May Day where they all dress up in green and ladies of certain age. No, they're meant to be maidens go up until West Hill

and dance in the dawn on Mayday.

Do looms? of certain age. No, they're meant to be maidens go up until the West Hill and dance in the dawn on Mayday.

Do looms still do that?

Yeah, when I say maidens, I mean middle-aged ladies with very large bosoms that are normally out and flimsy dresses.

And they have Morris dances, etc.

And are they naked apart from stout hiking boots?

To be honest, the very vision in my head is enough to stop me going there to see it.

I have a whiff of Miriam Margulies.

She's very potty.

...