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Net Positive with John Crist

God Told Me To (w/ Brian Bates)

Net Positive with John Crist

John Crist

Stand-up, Religion & Spirituality, Comedy

4.81.2K Ratings

🗓️ 20 August 2025

⏱️ 56 minutes

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

You gave us more church problems, we gave you more "advice"… On the net, it’s a positive. ----- JOKES FOR HUMANS TOUR: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://johncristcomedy.com/tour/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 8/30 - Las Vegas, NV 9/19 - Grand Rapids, MI 9/20 - Fort Wayne, IN 9/21 - Paducah, KY 9/26 - North Charleston, SC 9/27 - Macon, GA 9/28 - Hiawassee, GA 10/2 - Evansville, IN 10/3 - Dayton, OH 10/4 - Peoria, IL 10/10 - Knoxville, TN 10/11 - Greenville, SC 10/16 - York, PA 10/17 - Detroit, MI 10/18 - Cleveland, OH 10/24 - Birmingham, AL 10/25 - Chattanooga, TN 11/7 - Boise, ID 11/8 - Spokane, WA 11/9 - Tacoma, WA 11/20 - Abilene, TX 11/21 - San Antonio, TX 11/22 - Tyler, TX 11/23 - Austin, TX 12/5 - Phoenix, AZ 12/6 - Santa Rosa, CA 12/7 - Redding, CA 12/11 - South Bend, IN 12/12 - Munhall, PA 12/14 - Buffalo, NY ----- Catch the full video podcast on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠YouTube⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, and follow us on social media (⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@netpositivepodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠) for clips, bonus content, and updates throughout the week. ----- Email us at netpositive@johncristcomedy.com ----- FOLLOW JOHN ON: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Twitter⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠TikTok⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Facebook⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠YouTube⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ----- SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS HELLO FRESH: Get 10 FREE MEALS AND A HIGH-PROTEIN ITEM FOR LIFE with promo code NETPOSITIVE10FM at https://hellofresh.com/NETPOSITIVE10FM GLORIFY: Get a 14 day free trial when you visit https://glorify-app.com/netpositive AG1: Get a FREE gift with your first order at https://DrinkAG1.com/netpositive to get started with AG1’s Next Gen and and notice the benefits for yourself. ----- PRODUCED BY: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Alex Lagos⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ / ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Lagos Creative Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0

New pastor took over and told our friends on staff of eight years, God told me to fire you.

0:05.1

You. Ladies and gentlemen, listen, if you're just listening on Spotify, hold on, listen to this, listen.

0:23.3

You hear that?

0:24.5

That's the birds turban.

0:25.7

That's the Lord singing to you in the morning right there.

0:28.3

I am in Greeno, Montana, which is literally in the middle of nowhere.

0:33.3

I've been doing some fly fishing, some cattle driving, wearing this cowboy hat that doesn't fit me

0:38.6

appropriately. Cosplaying a true country man. Been on vacation. Unbelievable. But true, listen,

0:46.0

true to our word, the Net Positive podcast will never have a best of episode. We'll never have a

0:51.8

replay episode. Same as true this week um there's a lot going on

0:56.7

that i've missed out on i've heard we have a lot of taylor swift updates um the first female umpire

1:05.3

in major league baseball christians obviously doing some wild things that we will get to.

1:15.1

I haven't checked any DMs, but it's packed full of information, I'm sure.

1:18.6

Alex is out of town as well, I believe.

1:27.3

And this episode of the pod, our favorite, it's a part two from last week where one of our buddies, Brian Bates, came on the podcast and we discussed

1:29.6

like church situations, any kind of church situation that you need advice on.

1:35.4

You know, we've done, I feel like we've done a dating advice, we've done a parenting advice.

1:40.2

This one was one of my favorite episodes, man, we were dying, laughing, and we were about

1:43.6

45 minutes in, and I go, dude, let's just were dying, laughing, and we were about 45 minutes in.

1:44.6

And I go, dude, let's just cut this into two episodes because it's so fun.

1:49.4

And I know how you guys attention spans are.

1:51.7

John, if it's over like two hours, it's too much for us.

...

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