Discovering my husband betrayed me with men, when I thought he was straight, was the most painful experience of my life.

Savannah shares her story of resilience and acceptance in the aftermath of her husband coming out after fourteen years of intimate betrayal.

If this is happening to you, professional betrayal trauma specialists at Betrayal Trauma Recovery can help you process your feelings and find peace.

My Husband Betrayed Me With Men – The Emotions Are Overwhelming

In fact many women in our community face intense and overwhelming emotions in the face of learning that their husband has betrayed them with men. They grapple with blame from clergy, family, and friends, while trying to stay in the reality that sexual orientation or preference has literally nothing to do with them. Also, below is a list of common emotions and thoughts that women facing this situation experience:

• Intense rejection
• Fear that they “turned” their husband gay
• Shame
• Embarrassment
• Grief over the thought that the relationship was never authentic
• Anger
• Intense frustration over the time wasted
• Sorrow for children they share with their partner
• Self-blame for not “seeing it sooner”
• Self-loathing as they perceive themselves as not good enough, or not attractive enough to “keep their husband straight”
• Intense anxiety that the same situation will play out again in future

Am I Horrible For Feeling This Way?

When your husband betrays you with men, you may grapple with the worry that you are homophobic for feeling complex emotions, including anger, disgust, rejection, or grief. To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take our free emotional abuse quiz.

Because It’s important to give yourself space to feel the spectrum of emotions that all betrayal victims experience.

At BTR, we understand the devastation, shame, and heartbreak that victims experience. Please don’t suffer alone. Attend a BTR.ORG Group Session today.

Transcript: Finding Out My Husband Betrayed Me With Men

Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’ll call her Savannah. She was raped at 17 years of age, and a pregnancy resulted from that. She chose to keep her child. And 23 years later, after 17 years of marriage, she found out her “husband betrayed me with men.” And for most of their marriage he was a sex addict. To heal from these traumas, she started summiting mountains, running ultra marathons, regular marathons, standup paddling, any kind of active outdoor activity.

She did it. I also love being out in nature, so it’s great to talk to someone with similar interests. Let’s start with your story. How did you feel when you found out about your husband?

Savannah: Not only is he a sex addict, but he’s also addicted to drugs and alcohol and was leading a double life. And I didn’t know any of it. I found out on Thanksgiving Eve. Once I realized his behaviors were not something I’m accustomed to seeing, he literally tripped out on drugs when he came home that evening.

I started going through his phone, his websites, and everything on technology. Through that, I started realizing. oh my gosh. We have a major problem here. This is not just drug related, there are other addictions involved. It was devastating. It was devastating to go through and scroll through your husband’s phone, which I’m sure many of you have had to do, and finding all this pornography. My discovery happened over five days in front of my eyes.

Understanding Her Husband’s Identity

Anne: When you found out that your husband had betrayed you with men? Are you thinking, is my husband gay? Like, what were your thoughts?

Savannah: In my situation, my husband, I found out, is gay. It does not mean they’re gay if that’s happening with other women’s husbands. For my husband, he identified as gay. He moved out. We are now divorced. And he does not even live near me right now. He is now leading and living a gay lifestyle. For me, I never thought I’m not enough. In some cases, maybe I’m too much. You know? Maybe I’m just too much.

Just from women who have these conversations about this exact topic, my spouse is leading a same sex lifestyle. And I even had that thought, “did you turn them gay?” No, I didn’t turn my husband gay. Women ask, Why are they doing that? Why are they turning to men? Many women have these thoughts, this isn’t even about you. None of this is about you. This is about them not being truthful or honest where they’re at. And unfortunately, getting projected onto you.

Because again, it doesn’t always mean they’re gay. It could mean that for whatever reason they’re turning to men as a way of acting out. For him, he just wasn’t living an authentic life.

For myself, it was 14 years worth. So, for who I am as a woman, I’m a mom of three boys. It would be very difficult for me to be in a relationship when he’s identifying himself as wanting to be with a man. I’m not a man.

Deciding to Leave

Savannah: Once all this surfaced, I realized our intimacy wasn’t what I needed, what I wanted, and what I deserved as a woman. So, I couldn’t live in a relationship like that anymore, because I wasn’t living in an authentic life because he wasn’t living in an authentic life. My husband betrayed me with men. My choice was to leave. I do know women who have chosen to stay with their spouses, because even though they identify as gay, they have chosen. No judgment. Look, if that’s what works for them, who am I to judge?

Anne: Yeah, I think that’s important to trust that a woman will make the best decision for her, depending on her circumstances.

Savannah: Right, and for their kids. Some people choose to stick around or stay together as a couple until the kids are older. More power to you if that’s what you choose to do. Because I actually did try, I actually believe it or not. I did try for a little bit to make it work. I didn’t want to make any rash decisions until I had all the facts and emotionally felt secure enough to do it from a place of clarity.

He went to rehab for 35 days, and then we talked to the kids in the spring, and then also again in the fall. I’m one of those people where I have to go to the extent to make sure that I’m making that right decision. And so I was building the foundation of what could my life look like. Could we even possibly make any of this work?

Now we’re into the future until the kids get older. And in the fall, I knew it wouldn’t work.

My Husband betrayed me with men: Support from the Church

Savannah: In terms of the church community, I’m Catholic. I immediately went to Monsignor. He was extremely supportive. I told him my husband betrayed me with men. He understood. What was going on and what needed to be done. He’s never once questioned my decision or the way I’ve handled it. He held me to my own beliefs to ensure that I was doing the right thing as a mom, which I appreciated. I don’t listen to a lot of the talk people do behind my back.

People ask me what about the people that talk behind your back when you’re sitting in the pew. Do they look at you funny or whatever? I don’t care. I’ve just never been one to care. I’ve been through enough stuff in my life that I know that if I’m standing in my own place of integrity and my own truth, and doing what I know I need to be doing for my kids and myself. The rest can go by the wayside.

I’m actually getting my marriage annulled right now.

Anne: I am not super familiar with Catholic theology, so can you explain a little bit more about how that works?

Savannah: I’m just starting the process of annulment, and pretty much, from what I understand, and I may even be getting some of this wrong. But annulment is in the church’s eyes, the marriage. It’s not that it didn’t exist, but it created when one or the other was untruthful. I believe he knew, I believe he had some sense of what was going on within himself before we married. He says, no. I don’t want to speak on his behalf. That’s my own thought process and my own woman intuition.

Faith & Betrayal

Savannah: In the eyes of the church, you did not enter this marriage in a truthful way. So the marriage gets annulled.

Anne: In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which is the church I belong to. I was married in the temple, and there are very specific requirements to do that. One of them is that you’re honest in your dealings with your fellow men. And one of them is that you obey the law of chastity, which in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints means you are not using pornography and that you are not masturbating.

If you marry someone in the temple, you assume those things are true. By them saying, I am temple worthy, and not tell you that they’re lying is extremely traumatic for so many women who find out later.

Whoa, he lied to marry me in the temple. And he not only lied to me. But there are so many witnesses of this temple marriage. There are multiple levels of clergy, and also family around who witnessed this. And all the family assumes these principles are being adhered to. So the lie is big when this happens within my church. And I think that’s why it’s so traumatizing to women when they find out.

Savannah: You said that much better than I did. It was under false pretenses. We had 300 people at my wedding. It’s a big deal. As a woman, to be standing up there accepting this man who I thought was coming into this marriage one way. Instead, my husband betrayed me with men. He was betraying me for years. It’s not like it just happened once. For me, it was such a deep level of betrayal that I fought with this one.

Annulment Decision

Savannah: When Monsignor first told me, you can get your marriage annulled, I said, no way. I don’t want to get my marriage annulled. It was still a marriage even though my husband betrayed me with men. And now, looking back and taking a lot more spiritual time to assess this, as a woman and mom, I’m thinking. He’s offering this to me, he knows it can be done, and will go through the steps to get done.

So, for myself, it’s me wanting to spiritually say to myself, you did the right thing, the other person did not, and under God’s law, under my own beliefs, and my own values and morals. So I want to enter this next stage of my life on my terms. And that means spiritually, according to my church.

Anne: I appreciate you explaining that. Thank you. In my faith, the covenants we make in the temple are with God and your spouse. I felt like I wanted to maintain my covenant with God. And some women in my faith want to cancel their temple sealing, which doesn’t mean they didn’t keep their covenants with God.

So, it’s interesting that as we embark on this healing journey, we have to grapple with what these promises meant to us as individuals. And also how our faith community perceives them, and how we want to define what happened to us. There are no wrong answers for us.

At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we just want to support women in their decisions, because they know what’s best for them and their situation. As we’re talking about finding out that your husband has betrayed you with men.

My Husband betrayed me with men: Advice for Betrayal Trauma

Anne: Do you have any advice for listeners who have experienced a husband betrayed me with men?

Savannah: Definitely, look for somebody versed in betrayal trauma. Because the bottom line is actually the betrayal, right? Take some time for yourself, connect yourself with nature. Take time to meditate, take time to pray, take time to find your own safety .

Anne: Yeah, the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop has helped so many women heal from the inside out.

So many addiction recovery programs approach it from the perspective of betrayers, from the perpetrator’s perspective, rather than the victim’s perspective. It’s so important for women to know that this devastation is normal, that anyone who has been through something like this would be devastated.

Savannah: Yes, because people look at me and I am an insanely happy person, and people know me as always happy, like you’re always happy. I have moments of sadness. And I think people forget that all those who have been through this, the survivors, have moments of anxiety or sadness. Where we’re just distraught because we have been through a lot. It’s monumental, the amount of devastation that a betrayal can do to a person.

Group Support & Recovery

Savannah: Above all group was monumental in my healing from my husband betrayed me with men. Group every Wednesday, I needed that to get through this. That’s where I was at. Because it’s about learning the tools to get through it much quicker as time goes on.

So the sadness, when I find something new, even in this summer, I found something else out that I didn’t know. And so when I find those things out, it takes me into that little, they call it the rabbit hole. The little rabbit hole of devastation. But now what’s cool is that I now know the tools to pull myself out of it right away.

Anne: Yeah, having those strategies helps shorten that time from when we get an injury to when we can heal. Because post divorce, it continues to happen. Group support from Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. And the strategies we learn in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop, Those really help us heal as quickly as possible.

Savannah, thank you so much for sharing your story with us today.