Fight Right: The Science of Healthy Conflict | Drs. John and Julie Gottman

10% Happier with Dan Harris

10% Media, LLC

Dan Harris, Health & Fitness, Mindfulness, Dharma, Mental Health, Meditation

4.6 • 12.2K Ratings

🗓️ 12 February 2024

⏱️ 75 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Conflict doesn’t have to suck. These iconic relationship researchers tell us how.

Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection is the name of a new book by esteemed guests Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman.

They are the co-Founders of The Gottman Institute and have completed over 40 years of research with more than 3,000 couples. John is the researcher; Julie the clinician. They have written several books together, including Eight Dates and The Love Prescription.

Even though the majority of the Gottmans’ research is on couples, the advice is applicable to all types of relationships.

In this episode we talk about:

The three principle conflict styles
Why we often don’t understand what it is we’re fighting about
Perpetual problems vs. Solvable problems
Why the first three minutes of an argument are key
The simple sentence to use at the beginning of an argument
How to downregulate defensiveness in an argument
Why the Gottmans’ believe there is no such thing as constructive criticism
Why apologizing quickly isn’t always the right move
When a fight might spell the end

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Transcript

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0:00.0	This is the 10% happier not think I'm alone here, one of the hardest
0:25.3	parts of any interpersonal relationship is when you get into a fight. Spouse, romantic partner,
0:31.9	colleague, friend, kid, parent, doesn't matter.
0:34.4	Conflict often sucks.
0:37.0	I cringe when I think about all the dumb shit I've said in the various fights I've been in
0:41.1	over the years.
0:42.6	But conflict does not have to suck.
0:44.7	It can actually be a profound opportunity for progress, closeness,
0:48.1	mutual understanding and all that good stuff.
0:51.1	In the psychological literature,
0:52.4	there's actually a difference between
0:54.3	healthy conflict and unhealthy conflict and today we're going to talk about how to
0:58.8	engage in the former and avoid the latter, in essence, how to fight right.
1:04.8	Fight right is actually the name of a new book by my esteemed guests today, Dr.
1:09.3	Julie Gottman and her husband, Dr. John Gottman.
1:12.4	Julie and John are the co-founders of the Gotman Institute.
1:15.0	They've completed more than 40 years of research with more than 3,000 couples.
1:21.0	John is the researcher, Julie is the clinician. They've written several books together including eight dates and the love prescription and as I mentioned their new book is called Fight Right. This is I, the perfect conversation for Valentine's Day and but even though
1:37.0	the majority of the Gottman's research is on couples, the advice here is applicable to all types of
1:42.3	relationships.
1:43.6	Quick rundown of what we talk about here,
1:45.3	the three principal conflict styles,
	...

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