I'm Jerry Springer, and I want to be your governor, which makes what I'm about to tell you even more difficult.

Some nine years ago, I spent time with a woman I shouldn't have, and I paid her with a check.

I wish I hadn't done that, and the truth is, I wish no one would ever know.

We can't keep it a secret any longer.

We're just bursting with this Wednesday afternoon edition of TBTL.

This is the show that's probably too beautiful to live.

I'm not handling this well. I don't feel competent. I'm depressed. I'm slouching.

I'm your host, Luke Burbank, owing in at 186 pounds.

This is episode 759 in a collector series.

And it is, as you may have already heard, day three of the TBT Lathon.

That's right, two round ball rocks and a blonde curtain for all of you who have been donating.

Money to the TBT Lathon by going to TBTL.net and dropping a couple of bucks in the old virtual hat there.

We will, of course, remind you about that throughout today's show. That's not all we have in store for you though.

Luke, Mom, Fuzi, coming tonight on TBTL.

Coming today on TBTL. Someone should really tell my mom the show's not on it any longer.

Coming today on TBTL, our regrets are fascinating.

We have found, through careful scientific study, that the two things you really like are when we tell stories about our own lives.

And also when we talk about major life mistakes that we have made.

And so we thought, and this is the TBT Lathon week and we're asking you for money.

So you got my money?

We thought that we would bring together those two great tastes that you love and we would tell stories about our biggest regrets.

And we hope that you will enjoy it because it's, well, it's embarrassing for us, but hopefully it's mildly entertaining for you.

...