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Hello, and welcome to Anatomy of Family. I'm your host Melanie Studley. What's up guys? My name is Seth Studley. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. Today's topic is my husband fights with my kids.

Here we go.

Alright, this question was sent in to us by a listener and it says help. My spouse is constantly fighting with our kid. My husband and our oldest daughter are always fighting. Their personalities are very similar. Maybe this is why they fight.

But neither one of them will admit to their similarities causing this problem. They fight every day and it is a problem. Me and the other kids have to listen to their fights daily and we are very tired of it.

How can I get them both to see this that this is an issue? What will stop them from fighting? Thank you. Love mom losing her mind.

Oh, dear mom losing your mind. I'm so sorry. I can relate to this on a couple different aspects. One being that dad that sometimes fights with their kids and then also tearing my hair out because I'm like, Melanie, stop talking to the kids that way that gets that gets on my nerves.

Can I fight with the kids? Sometimes. Are we just talking about one kid really? No. Yeah. Right. So yeah, this is a common problem. And I think it illustrates a couple of things. Maybe the most important thing that it does illustrate is us not being intentional or in this case, this dad not being intentional.

And being the dad in it, right? Let's just say, you know, if an alien comes down and says, Oh, okay, you're a 38 year old man. You have this level of maturity. You think mostly with your prefrontal cortex. Oh, alright. And here is an eight year old exhibit a eight year old.

They don't have a fully formed brain. They don't know a lot of stuff. They're just acting from ego and they're very self centric or ego centric, right? You're fighting with him. That's not a fair fight. Shame on you kind of thing. You should be way up here and above all this.

Alien would look at it. And there's your like, peace out. This is too stupid. Right. I can't do this. It's like a dog barking at a jellyfish and slapping it around with his little paw or something like that. It doesn't make sense, right? However, I'm going to tie this back into being intentional.

If we're letting craziness of life, work stress, family stress, marital stress, get the best of us, then guess what? You're already going to have a hairpin trigger that if your eight year old kid does something goofy and no brain, you're going to be like, why did you do that? And all this stuff is going to trigger you right away. So intention.

And taking the whole landscape into consideration is really important. And if you're not doing that, you're going to definitely fight with your kid more.

Right. I think one of the most triggering things like it mentions in the question that when people have similarity, similar personalities to their kids, they tend to be using the same ammo, right? It's like a war with the same guns.

Right. Like you can't hide in a different spot because you know, well, you yelled at me. I can yell at you while they're louder. Right. So it really is almost like fighting a war with the same exact weapons.

And because we are the adult in the equation and because we do have a more fully formed brain and much more a larger set of skills and coping mechanisms and strategies and tactics, it is really incumbent upon us to do the right thing.

And sometimes it really is. That's what parenting means. I don't know the definition of parenting, but it probably.

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