Thank you.

Thank you.

Yes, I know. I know. Thank you.

Yes, I know.

I know, I know, I know, I know.

I would feel the same way if I were you.

Good evening, everyone.

So on Tuesday, California Congressman Eric Swalwell resigned from Congress.

Surprise, actually. As a result, Chinese flags were flown at half-mast.

It's true, the ex-congresigned after five women accused him of sexual misconduct, or as Bill Clinton calls it, gay.

Just a heads up, if you see Swalwell with red, watery eyes, it's not because he's been crying about his resignation.

It's because he's been sprayed with mace.

But you can tell Eric is totally stressed out.

Earlier today, for instance,

he tried to have sex with a woman who was actually conscious.

Swalwell vows, however, that he'll fight the most serious charges,

saying it's a classic case of he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, and she said.

The congressman is also being investigated for paying an illegal Brazilian nanny under the table with campaign funds.

I know. When he heard about this, Bill Clinton asked,

is she still under the table?

And at insult to injury,

Swalwell has also been evicted from his friend's mansion,

...