Produced by the iLab at WBUR Boston.

Hi, this is Steve, just a quick word of warning. We wanted to let you know that we'll be discussing intimate partner violence on this episode.

Hello Steve Allen. Hello, show free. Let's get right into it.

My story is I fell madly in love with a young man and he felt madly in love for me.

We shared the same dream to break out of our small little town and travel to California.

And that's exactly what we did. We helped through our cars and we drove across the country together with no real plans.

And it was amazing, except when it wasn't, the more time we spent together was covered with these arguments and the arguments grew in intensity.

And while we both loved each other very, very much, it seems that neither of us could figure out why our arguments were getting so bad.

And after about a year, I'll tell you for you together, our arguments had reached a point where they were just straight up nasty.

And it got into the point where he struck me in my face three times.

And I experienced feelings of shame and guilt.

And you know, the question of how could I have let myself be in a relationship or in a position where my lover has physically hit me.

So after that, we split up. He's led five hours north and ended up getting checked in and out to the mental hospitals and an extremely hard time coping with what happens.

I did great. I kind of soared on. Got some good jobs. One on three different days. I became part of a human be church. Everything was going well.

And it's been five months since our fight. And I, I feel he made me break back the name sugars. He came back and things went well and communication is open.

And we've been able to have through what had happened, but I'm still struggling with this shame. Nobody knows. I can't talk to my friends. I can't talk to my family. I can't talk to anybody.

We moved across the country together, away from our friends and family. And now we're both out here in California. We're going to meet each other.

The question is, what happens to me when I'm struggling with the shame? Will we love somebody who has hit me in my face? I've never been hit before in my life. And he's hit me. Is this accessible? Is this okay? Can people change? And I love him. Love is not simple. Please help me.

Welcome to Dear Sugars. That is the voice of our caller. And we're calling her struggling with shame.

And struggling with shame, I want to say, what a powerful experience it was for me to hear your voice and to hear the shame and confusion and fear and uncertainty.

And I think that as alone as you may feel in this, I just want to tell you there are so many people listening right now and people I know and even to some extent in my own life who can relate to this mix of feelings you're having.

I was born into a marriage where there was domestic violence. My father abused my mom. And I did find myself really remembering some of the dynamics at play as I listened to your voice on that phone call. And one of them was, you know, the horror of the assault.

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