How do you pass up the opportunity to spit blood and Joan Baez's face? Dude, I'm so funny I had murdered an Epiglottis.

Let's round him a faceless and get some pajamas.

Dude, I didn't know my head was a bank.

That's fucking awesome.

I want to eat so many ducy rolls.

I just shit a tire.

I jerked off of this towel so much, it might be a surfboard.

Mr. Schmidt is an entertainer.

Not a cool.

Hey, what's happening at Mike Schmidt's 40-year-old boy podcast?

Now, I have a message out there for all Americans.

All the Americans who are listening.

Now, look, if you're a Canadian and you're listening, you can listen to this message as well.

English people, do not take out your earbuds.

Please leave your earpod vaginas plugged in.

If you're in Brazil, if you're an Estonian, is that a country? Is that a, that's like a person

works on your face, right? Isn't that a skin expert? No, that's an estetician. Hi, I'm the oldest man alive.

My brain works and my brain is mush. It doesn't even work. It's because my brain is mush doesn't even work it's but my brain is fucking mush i heard est

and i said estonians and i because here's what i said i said estonians and i thought of estonians

and i thought of estonians and i thought of bert reynolds pissing into a into a can that was tied to

his leg and i think it was semi tough as jill clayberg tried to get him to listen to est or learn ester, whatever the fuck it was. And then I thought of estheticians.

That's where my brain went.

...