How do you pass up the opportunity to spit blood in Joan Baez's face? Dude, I'm so funny I inverted an epiglottis.

Let's round him a faceless and get some pajamas.

Dude, I didn't know my head was a bank.

That's fucking awesome.

I want to eat so many ducy rolls.

I just shit a tire.

I jerked off of this towel so much, it might be a surfboard.

Mr. Schmidt is an entertainer.

Not a cool.

Hey, what's happening at Mike Schmidt, 40-year-old boy podcast?

Yes, I can't figure out the earbud thing.

Thank you for everybody who wrote to try to help me, and by everybody, I mean one guy.

Alan Miller wrote me, and he's like, hey, dude, here's the steps you need to take to get your earbuds to work.

I mean, I guess I don't really need the earbuds to work.

Our friend Gio, superfan Gio, not super fan of me, but super fan of others, certainly.

He wrote me to say, you know what, dude, you don't even need to hear yourself because then you're not freaking out about all this things you think you hear like spit and nonsense. Which, by the way, is my next CD, spit and nonsense.

Oh, my God.

Now, let me ask you this.

Since we're taking a poll, we weren't until just now, this very second.

Should it be spit and nonsense?

Like three different words?

Or spit nonsense?

...