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A Very Fatal Murder

Episode 4: The Official Story

A Very Fatal Murder

The Onion

Comedy

4.13.2K Ratings

🗓️ 5 February 2018

⏱️ 10 minutes

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

David recruits Onion Public Radio’s robust team of interns to recreate the night of Hayley Price’s murder in order to determine once and for all if a person can really die from a simultaneous gunshot-stabbing-strangling-drowning. Plus: A major twist.

Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0

The night of May 9th, Haley Price was waiting to meet up with her boyfriend, Brian, so they

0:06.2

could make out and talk about what a bitch Alex was being lately.

0:09.4

They're going to meet at their usual spot, the field outside the bottle cap factory.

0:13.8

Bluff springs his dark at night.

0:15.5

There's only one street light, and it's the moon.

0:18.2

You can see the stars, which is romantic as fuck.

0:21.7

The two of them liked to meet in the fields and hook up and Brian's mom's old camera.

0:26.0

They liked it because the seats were climbed all the way, and they thought it was cool that

0:29.1

it still had a tape deck.

0:31.1

That's pure romance when you're young and in love, and don't live steps from the finest

0:34.8

cultural institutions the country has to offer.

0:37.0

Haley loved that car.

0:38.0

I do too.

0:39.0

I mean, we've both thrown up in that car, you know?

0:42.2

But Brian texted Haley to tell her he would be late.

0:44.9

He was preparing an elaborate balloon sculpture depicting the two of them on a speedboat to

0:48.8

prompt pose under.

0:50.2

Haley told him not to come.

0:51.6

He was getting late anyway, and she was cold.

0:54.9

She wanted to go home.

0:56.1

I was really hungry anyway, so I made this thing I called meachos, and it's basically

1:00.0

like nachos, but instead of chips, you use ground beef.

...

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