Hello and welcome back to the Self-Helior Soundboard. Today's episode is going to dive into a broad topic on closeness and connection.

You'll hear from both Nicole and I and our contrasting experiences to meet this basic human need.

So for me, closeness and connection has been a theme in all of my relationships for as long as I can remember. I found myself seeking what I would call a depth of connection, really feeling known by those that I was either friends with or definitely my romantic partners and I have had a few of them prior to the relationships that I'm currently in.

And what I kept finding over time when I didn't feel connected to these other humans because in my opinion and a romantic partnership, that depth of connection was something that I was very much looking for.

I continued to hold someone else responsible what I thought was for a very long time. Oh, I must be picking the wrong partners. I must be picking someone who can't meet me where I am little did I know.

And of course, as I began to really view myself and how I was showing up in these partnerships, what I came to realize was I didn't really know myself at that depth.

I didn't understand what my wants were what my needs were. I wasn't really connected even to my emotions outside of course of stress. Those were the emotions I would bring into my relationships outside of that.

I wasn't bringing in a depth of connection. So little did I know it. I was the person who wasn't presenting myself in a full way, in a knowable way to my partners yet I was holding them responsible.

And of course, I didn't come to this awareness until I began to explore myself to watch how I was showing up how receptive was I to communication to connection to these moments of presence.

And what I came to realize was that I wasn't at all yet for me. It was a point of near obsession. I was seeking someone who could give me something that I wasn't even giving myself.

I want to highlight that last bit of what you said about connection to yourself because this is really our starting point when we're talking about connection and closeness each person is going to have their own definition what closeness looks like to them what connection looks like to them how that shows up in a relationship.

So before we can go about meeting our needs in relationship or with others, we first have to explore what connection and closeness even mean to ourselves.

And you and I both come from similar backgrounds in in many ways in a neglectful or traumatic way.

And we also come from very contrasting backgrounds when it comes to the actual visual of what our environments looked like of the amount of people around us were we with other people.

You were more often than not surrounded by parents or caregivers or family or mom came to games, even if they weren't emotionally available or emotionally present at all.

For me, there was a severe lack of connection or closeness of any sort of adult figure or any external caregiver or guide. It was very much me, myself and I and my brothers.

So just taking a moment, even witness that in both of our backgrounds helps give us both an understanding in our relationship to see, OK, you're going to have a different take on connection than I am we're going to have a different take on closeness to me once we can understand those for ourselves understand what connection means to us individually.

We're then able to go from there we then have something to work with in a common ground to talk on.

This is a really great point to highlight because the way we are defining these words connection closeness how that factors into connection really is is born out of those earliest relationships so to speak to your point.

There were adults present in my life there was always someone home there was someone speaking there was someone in the room my parents were present at my games yet in terms of emotions.

I was largely left alone so very similarly then flash forward in time and begin to enter into these romantic relationships I spent a lot of time with my partners like I shared last week I lived with most of my partners.

We did a lot of things together we shared interest it was all however that same surface level of connection in terms of the depth of emotions of course when I was annoyed with my partner or stressed out I would share that there was an absence of the rest of the emotions of all.

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