Episode 115: Why Couples Fight with Mira Kirshenbaum
The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast
Kate Anthony
4.4 • 574 Ratings
🗓️ 22 April 2021
⏱️ 46 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Many of the women I work with, at some point, have stated that all they wanted in their relationship was to feel understood. As this week's guest, Mira Kirshenbaum (author of the seminal book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay) states in her book, Why Couples Fight, "Feeling understood is the orgasm of intimacy." Mira joins me to talk about the ways in which couples can end conflict, frustration, and resentment in their relationships.
Mira is co-founder and clinical director of The Chestnut Hill Institute in Boston, an internationally recognized center for research and psychotherapy for couples, families, and individuals.
Show Highlights
- Unmet needs and the pursuit of getting your needs met. (9:52)
- "Power is the nightmare of love." We have at least 101 ways we make our partner feel disempowered. (17:04)
- The Eight Core Experiences of Love and why we must protect, maintain, and nourish all eight of them. "Love without affection is like food without flavor." (18:20)
- The 1-2-3 method - a 3-step process for resolving conflict in any relationship - sets couples up so they are both satisfied. (27:41)
- How to get your needs met with someone who is addicted to conflict. (35:36)
- Some ways you can provide feedback in a healthy manner. (37:30)
- What a power move is and why people use them. (39:19)
Learn More About Mira:
Mira Kirshenbaum is the author of eleven books—including the influential Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay; Parent-Teen Breakthrough; Everything Happens for a Reason; and The Weekend Marriage— that have been translated into over twenty languages, and she is a two-time finalist for the Books for a Better Life award.
Mira is co-founder and clinical director of The Chestnut Hill Institute in Boston, an internationally recognized center for research and psychotherapy for couples, families and individuals. She has been a workshop leader and trainer for medical professionals at Harvard Medical School and other institutions. She has appeared on 20/20, Today, and CBS Early Show, and has been featured as an expert in O, Cosmopolitan, Vogue, Glamour, and Good Housekeeping.
Resources & Links:
Mira's website
Mira on Facebook
Mira on Twitter
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Welcome to the Divorce Survival Guide podcast, where we have open and honest conversations about co-parenting, separation, divorce, and the hardest question of all, should you stay or should you go. |
| 0:17.7 | I'm Kate Anthony, your divorce survival guide, and I'm here to help you navigate |
| 0:22.8 | some of the roughest waters you've ever swum in and answer some of your toughest questions. |
| 0:28.5 | I've been to hell and back, and now it's my mission in life to help you get to the other side |
| 0:34.2 | of this process with your sanity and your heart intact. |
| 0:44.4 | Hey everybody, welcome back. I am happy to be here with you today. I'm really excited about |
| 0:51.2 | this episode. This was one of those where I got the call or the email from a publicist asking me if I would interview Mirrah Kirshenbaum for my podcast. |
| 1:04.3 | And, you know, I get pitches all the time. |
| 1:06.4 | And sometimes I accept, sometimes I don't. |
| 1:08.6 | Sometimes I'm like, I don't know who that is. |
| 1:09.9 | And then I look them up. |
| 1:10.6 | And I'm like, oh, they're cool. But this one was like, are you kidding? |
| 1:16.0 | I was like, I immediately turned fan girl. For those of you who don't know, Mira is the author of the |
| 1:24.7 | seminal, should I stay or should I go book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to |
| 1:30.1 | Stay. And if you haven't read it and you are asking yourself these questions, you must read |
| 1:37.3 | this book. You may have read this book already. Mirah is here today to talk about her new book. By the way, |
| 1:48.7 | Mira has written 11 books. So this is her latest book and it's called Why Couples Fight. And my favorite |
| 2:00.5 | quote from this podcast episode is, and I think it's also in her book where she |
| 2:06.9 | says, feeling understood is the orgasm of intimacy. So this is a great topic. Why couples fight? |
| 2:15.8 | So many people I work with and hear from and are in my |
| 2:18.8 | Facebook group and you know message me that you know all of you want to all you want really ultimately |
| 2:24.8 | in your relationship is to feel understood and so I think it's perfect that Mira says about this |
... |
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