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The venues and moderators for the presidential debates have been selected. The first debate

to be held at Democrat National Headquarters will be moderated by Don Lemon, the second

debate to be held in the Portland Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone will be moderated by an

anonymous man wearing a mask and holding a brick, and the third debate to be held on the

Mexican border will be moderated by Jill Biden disguised as Chris Wallace. The debate format

will begin with a cognitive abilities test in which Donald Trump will have to name the

entire population of Tanzania and Joe Biden will have to name who the president of the

United States will be if he wins the election. They'll follow questions on specific topics

where the candidates have expertise. Trump will be asked details about China trade deals

and Biden will be asked details of what the shapes of the discoloration on his basement

walls remind him of. Trump will be asked about his proposals for bringing the riots in

our cities to an end and Biden will be asked where he would be if he were in Milwaukee.

Trump will be asked to discuss the threat posed to world peace by a resurgent Russia and

Biden will be asked to discuss the threat posed to Goldilocks if Papa Bear comes home

and discovers she's eaten all his porridge. The candidates will each have four minutes

to give a reply followed by two minutes to nap and rest up for the next question. If

...