The following may contain satire that will offend absolutely everyone.

I want to apologize in advance for the fact that I don't care.

A new poll shows the news media dead last in public trust.

According to the poll, Americans have the most trust in hospitals at 93%, whereas only

48% trust Congress, 36% trust cable news advertisers, 23% trust a guy who wrote to them saying

he was the son of Prince Ungusy of the Republic of Shagman-do, and he was holding a multi-million

dollar inheritance for them.

Seventeen percent trust the two spooky twins from the movie The Shining, 12% trust the

unshaven man in a slouch hat who's been following them around for the last three days, and

finally the news media is trusted by two percent of people running to catch their connecting

flight to Philadelphia, who saw a guy talking into the camera on TV, but said they weren't

really listening to what he said, but he seemed nice.

There was a disparity in the poll between Republicans and Democrats with the Republican who

trusted the news media being named Oscar Guntowser, though it was difficult to make out what

he was saying because he was a recent stroke victim and might just have been asking for

a sip of water.

Conversely on the Democrat side, a full 25% said they did trust the news media, and were

also considering making a donation to Joe Biden's campaign as soon as they received their

inheritance from the Republic of Shagman-do.

The company that conducted the poll has been doing follow-up interviews, trying to understand

the results, and say they feel the Republicans may be more suspicious of the news media, because

the news media lies all the time, whereas Democrats trust the news media more because

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