The New York Times, a former newspaper, has issued a new style book to its reporters,

intended to minimize the occurrence of anything that might make them feel unsafe, like journalism.

Times executives were reluctant to issue the style book in printed form because they feared that

might look too harsh for the reporter's sensitive eyes and might create a conflict in which the

privileged right background of the page could overwhelm the marginalized black print. Instead,

the Times produced the style book in the form of a talking cabbage patch doll dressed in a

checkered onesie and delivered to the desks of journalists by a cartoon stork. The journalist

then pulled the string of the doll and it recites the style book in gentle childlike tones,

reminiscent of a babbling toddler or indeed of the journalist themselves. The style book's words

will be accompanied by a selection of music box lullabies ranging from hush little baby to the

international. The new guidelines include these rules. One, black people are magic. They are

almost holy figures who cannot even be looked upon, especially when they're looting a Costco.

Only one sacred, only one the sacred essence of black existence is recognized by reporters.

Will we begin to be able to speak of them without being hounded out of a job or sued for more money

than we care to spend on telling the truth? Two, Donald Trump is also magic. Only his magic

is very dark. Everything he doesn't says is very bad and evil. He cannot be covered objectively

because if you did that, he would devour your mother. He would be like the evil doer who can't

be named in the JK Rowling books if JK Rowling hadn't said that transgender women weren't actually

women so that she has become the evil doer who can't be named instead. Three, we apologize.

Whatever we said, we're sorry. Also, we resign. We will seek forgiveness at the feet of black people

who are magic. The time style book is available on request. Dipers sold separately.

Trick or wine. I'm Andrew Clayvin and this is the Andrew Clayvin Show.

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