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The social media website Twitter is now offering medical degrees for people who want to say they

are doctors while they tweet their insane opinions in fits of uncontrollable rage. In order

to receive a Twitter medical degree, you must be able to spell the word comorbidity correctly,

give or take two or three letters, and you must be able to use the word herd immunity

in a tone of voice that suggests you have the faintest idea what the hell you're talking

about. In the final exam, you'll be asked to write a sentence that is provably untrue,

five times in a row in capital letters to indicate that it has now become true as a result

of you're doing that.

The first graduating class included Dr. Bill Donald Trump-Lied People Die Jackson. Dr.

People Die Jackson said, quote, it's obvious that anyone who wants America to return to

work is a right-wing loon who cares more about some greedy shop clerk raking in the big

bucks than he does about the innocent life of a grandma or a bunny or a little child

with big, sad eyes. As a medical professional, I'm telling you, if you leave your home, you

risk dying of the virus or a car accident or maybe from cooking a burger in the office

kitchen and having it spit hot, fat in your eye, causing you to real backward slam into

the wall, dislodge a supply shelf, which then buries you under a box of stationary supplies

...