The two sides are making their closing arguments in the impeachment of Donald Trump for whatever

the hell they're accusing him of this time.

Acting for the prosecution, Congressman Adam Schiff told the Senate that if Trump were

not removed from office, quote, he could offer Alaska to the Russians in exchange for support

in the next election or decide to move tomorrow, log-o permanently and leave Jared Kushner

to run the country delegating to him the decision whether they go to war.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, oh, Clavin, you rembunctious, irrepressible

dispenser of delight and hilarity. Where do you come up with your zany satirical ideas?

How do you keep your skin so soft and beautiful?

But no, the truth is, those are actually Adam Schiff's exact words. He actually said

if Trump wasn't convicted, he might give Alaska to the Russians. As Schiff's words spread

around the country, patriots rushed to the Alaskan border to defend the state from being

handed over to Putin. These were just brave, ordinary Alaskans, including a guy who moved

up there to escape the upcoming invasion of Earth by the planet Claptar, a Japanese soldier

from World War II who hadn't heard the big news about Hiroshima and a black bear who

thought Adam Schiff said Trump would be giving away salmon. Because being only a bear, he

couldn't imagine someone would say anything as stupid as what Schiff actually said.

Embarrassed to be called out by one of the lower mammals, Schiff later admitted he had

meant to say that if Trump was not removed from office, he might give Putin a baked Alaska

and return for support in the next election. Although Schiff acknowledged Trump might not

need Russian support in the next election, given all the new jobs and stuff. Meanwhile,

Jared Kushner, hearing Schiff's remarks, did in fact declare war on Mar-a-Lago, but his

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