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Slack.com slash DHQ. It's time for the Iowa caucuses all across the Great Hawkeye State.

Corn Fed Americans will be leaving their farms and small towns in order to decide which

Democrat candidate will best serve the interests of New York and Los Angeles. These are down-home

heartlanders who are tired of Donald Trump and his shenanigans. They want to return to

the good old days when Ma and Pa and Aunt Matilda could sit out on the front porch and watch

the factory close while smoking methamphetamines until they died. To bring back those fine times,

Iowa Democrats have assembled a choice slate of white people who have promised to return

this country to solid American values like socialism and sexual perversion. There's Joe

Biden, who could become the first candidate ever to win an Iowa while believing himself

to be in Ohio. There's Bernie Sanders, who says Iowans need to taste the joys of socialism

because they taste almost exactly like a pet cat roasted over a trash fire. There's

Elizabeth Warren who traces her heritage back to the state's Iowa tribe, the people who

invented the process of sitting on the ground stirring dirt with a stick until Europeans come

and take your land away and build a civilization. There's also Pete Buttigieg, who is touting

his record as mayor of a city of 100,000 people all of whom hate him. And there's Amy

Klobuchar, who is thought to have a chance to pull off a surprise victory once voters

find out whom she's running against. During the complex caucus process, voters will gather

...