As we stand on the perilous precipice of that clavin-less expanse of moral darkness we call the weekend,

we reflect back on the two weekends just past when, in my absence, the nation began to crumble.

Two weekends ago, after I finished the final program for the week, the Illuminati Murdered

Justin's Antonin Scalia, cleverly making him appear to be an old man with heart trouble who died of natural causes.

And of course last weekend, as soon as I turn my back, some of you in South Carolina, you know who you are.

Went out and voted for a mediocre, loud mouthed businessman who thinks the Constitution is that hotel in Boston,

where he met the girl he swears he didn't know was a professional until after his wife found out about her.

So, to steal your minds as you enter the clavin-less shadows of the days ahead, we here at the Daily Wire

have compiled a list of five possible disasters that may befall you while I'm away. Be prepared.

Possibility One

In an unguarded moment, Donald Trump, thinking no one is looking, allows himself to transform into his true shape

as an enormous and slimy cosmic entity with numerous writhing tentacles each of whose suction cup-like touch receptors bears the screaming face of a damn soul.

After Trump thunders, I am Kthulu, master of the elder gods, his approval ratings rise ten points.

Possibility Two

The Illuminati and the Glitterati join forces to form the Audi Audi, a sinister organization dedicated to establishing a one-world government led by Kim Kardashian.

As their first order of business, they replace Antonin Scalia with Morgan Freeman, playing a judge who has secretly got come down to earth to judge his creation.

No matter how hard Alex Jones tries to convince us of the truth, no one believes it.

Possibility Three

Ted Cruz announces that if you add all of Rubio's votes to his votes, multiply by six and squint until the numbers blur, he almost has enough votes to lose to Donald Trump by just 14 points.

And so he declares victory.

Possibility Four

After passing through a radioactive cloud, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders magically merge bodies and blend into a single corrupt socialist hermaphrodite.

...