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Slack.com slash DHQ. The New York Times, a former newspaper, has announced a new editorial

policy designed to deal with the, quote, special problems and challenges of covering Donald

Trump when we hate him so much he makes our scalps break out and hides.

Unquote. Times editor-in-chief, Blithering Provarication III said he designed the new

policy in response to reader insights and staff suggestions in the hopes that this would

convince the readers and staff to return their hostages unharmed. Mr. Third made the announcement

at a hastily-called town hall staff meeting when he placed the policy inside a soda bottle

full of gasoline, set it on fire, and then hurled it into the midst of swirling tear gas

then ran for his life. According to Mr. Third, the new policy will address the fact that

covering the news in the Trump era presents a dilemma because, quote, on the one hand,

we have a journalistic responsibility to try to get at the truth of every story, while

on the other hand, there's absolutely no possibility that we're going to do anything

like that. Unquote. Under the new policy, Mr. Third says every headline, every story,

even some of the former papers punctuation, will be designed to, quote, convey just how

very, very much everyone who works here wants to see this president crushed, preferably

under a press machine like the metal cyborg skeleton at the end of Terminator, but politically

if that's the best we can do. Unquote. For instance, the paper will now run such news

...