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Democrat presidential candidates have descended on Iowa, increasing the population there by

22%. As the candidates try to act like normal Americans by grilling corn dogs on a flaming

flag or staging sack races with people who are actually sacked during the Obama economy,

voters are trying to choose whether to hear their stump speeches or just jab a screwdriver

repeatedly into their ears to see if that's less painful.

Beto O'Rourke has seen his poll numbers rise since a drunken cedar rapid said he'd vote

for Beto, then passed out before he could explain that he meant to say Biden and always gets

those two confused. O'Rourke has tried to change his campaign tactics by limiting his speeches

to a series of outlandish hand motions wholly disconnected from any meaning he may be trying

to convey. O'Rourke tried to explain this new tactic to a reporter, but nocturne unconscious

with a nonsensical gesture before she could understand what he wasn't saying.

Bernie Sanders attended a nail salon with Cardi B as part of his strategy to make socialism

seem fun or at least more fun than the part where you're roasting your pet cat over trash

fire so your children will have something to eat. Cardi B says she thinks socialism will

be great as long as her nails look terrific and all the socialism stuff is happening to

someone else. The 103 year old Sanders promises that under socialism, Cardi will be able

...