It's Valentine's Day this weekend, and it just so happens that I am the Picasso of the

art of love.

That is, I'm someone who puts everything in the wrong place and has a weirdly disfigured

two-dimensional head with both eyes on the same side of my nose.

As such, I'd like to offer you a few tips on how to have a wonderful Valentine's Day or

at least how to avoid committing suicide.

Now you may have heard on television commercials from K Jewelers that every kiss begins with

K.

Your lover is more likely to be romantic with you if you give her a gift of jewelry first.

On Valentine's Day, be direct.

Ask her if this is true.

If it is, consider that you might be dating a sex worker.

If you are dating a sex worker, see if she'll do that thing with the leather strap and the

shaving cream and the rubber chicken.

It's amazing.

Cards are very important on Valentine's Day.

If you are a girl, try to give your guy a card with a little teddy bear or hello kitty

on it and little heart shapes floating around at the top with love messages inside.

If he seems delighted with his card, he's having an affair.

Dump it.

Of course, not everyone is a cisgendered male or female.

There are all kinds of pansies and sickos out there, so here are a few tips if you're

...