CNN has announced the lineup for the second Democrat debate.

After a thrilling, on-air spectacle of a selection process, watched by every single cameraman

on the set, the cable channel revealed the results to the rest of us in a statement that said,

quote, America is in crisis.

A fascist dictator has taken over the White House, swattering everyone who dares to criticize

his cruel reign, so that we are forced to go into hiding by being on CNN where no one

will see us.

Because of this, we feel that the terms of the first debate were unacceptable, allowing

the Democrat candidates to display their unworkable ideas, their cringingly fake personalities,

and their radical hatred of the country they are asking to govern.

Therefore in the second debate, we are putting forward a lineup of imaginary Democrats,

who unlike the real Democrats, might be able to defeat the evil monster, who will not

even allow us to say what we are saying right now, so that we are not saying it even

though it sounds like we are.

We are suffering terribly at his hands, even though it looks as though we are standing

in a comfortable studio in Midtown Manhattan, talking to an audience of six people who's

connecting flight to Omaha has been delayed for two hours.

Unquote.

CNN then announced a lineup of five imaginary Democrats for the next debate.

One, normal guy, a comfortingly ordinary presence who is able to make his radical plans

to destroy our economy and culture sound like something harmless from the 1950s.

Two, intelligent woman, an attractive presence who puts a reassuring veneer of femininity

...