A shocking new poll from the Hollywood reporter shows that 57% of Americans are concerned

that what they hear on network news is not accurate.

According to health officials, this means the other 43% of Americans no longer have the

rudimentary intelligence required to perform such tasks as peeling an orange, asking a

policeman to take them home, or driving a muscle car into a flaming pile of garbage at

170 miles an hour because their best friend told them it would be cool.

In other worrisome data, the poll revealed that nearly 53% of Americans find CNN a credible

news source, which means over half of Americans are now suffering from a strange mental illness

which causes them to hear voices in their heads delivering credible news while they're

listening to the people lying on CNN.

Several afflicted people were concerned that the voices in their heads were telling

them to do terrible things like say you love Satan or vote Democrat, but fortunately

those voices were in fact coming from CNN and the hallucinated voices were far more benign.

The poll further found that more than 20% of Americans find the news networks are not credible

news sources, causing health officials to become concerned that nearly 80% of Americans

are gormless idiots.

In a follow-up interview with an American who found the networks credible, 30-year-old Brooklyn

Knight, Wimpy Artisanal, told pollsters, quote, I know when I'm watching ABC, I am getting

the whole truth and that Dr. Meredith Gray really is concerned about Andrew being alone

in the operating room with Richard after Richard walked in on Andrew and Meredith making

out.

Unquote.

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