I would like to report a hate crime.

I was sitting around minding my own business.

When suddenly I was attacked by a gang of thugs,

screaming racist and anti-Republican slurs.

One of these animals, a raving white woman with the dead eyes of a zombie,

screeched in my face,

if you voted for Donald Trump because you didn't like Hillary Clinton,

that doesn't make you not racist.

That makes you racist.

She then put a noose around my neck,

but she worked for CNN, so I think it was fake news.

After that, a particularly idiotic-looking black man with a bizarre twitch of saying the word racist over and over again for no apparent reason,

screamed at me, we have to stop demonizing people

and realize the biggest terror threat in this country is white men.

Luckily, I was able to knock him unconscious,

which seemed to make absolutely no difference in the intelligence level of his remarks.

After that, a crazy old woman with a bottle of shardin' egg,

gripped tightly in her fist, staggered out of the mob and bellowed,

you and your kind are deplorable racists and haters.

She then attempted to throw bleach at me,

but it turned out to be bleach bit,

which only erased all the information on my cell phone,

...