The first day of Judge Brett Kavanaugh's Supreme Court confirmation hearing provided Americans

a chance to hear arguments from Republicans and Democrats alike.

On the Republican side, Senator Orrin Hatch put forward the view that Kavanaugh is a constitutional

originalist who would judge each case according to its legal merits.

On the Democrat side, Senator Diane Feinstein set her hair on fire and ran around in circles,

making a squawky noise like a scalded chicken before she threw a skirt over her face and

sobbed violently until she exploded hurling gory fragments of herself in all directions.

On the Republican side, Senator Chuck Grassley said Kavanaugh would help lead the judiciary

away from a legislative role and thus return the country to the rule of law.

On the Democrat side, a mob of villagers wearing Tyrolean hats and carrying torches stormed

the Capitol, screaming, give us the monster while Senator Kamala Harris stood above the

monorock shouting, fly, fly my evil ones and unleash your hellish rage against those who

would destroy your satanic right to tear their children from your rooms and sell their

body parts for cash, after which Senator Harris transformed herself into an enormous

lizard-like creature with leathery wings and flew up into the air clutching the soles

of the unbaptized, inner-dripping fangs, which insiders say may provide an early clue

to the 2020 Democratic presidential platform.

On the Republican side, Senator John Corne and began to remark that court appointments

should not be subject to mob rule, but never finish the sentence because Democrat

Senator Cory Booker clutched him by the throat, screaming, everyone who does not agree with

me must die before he was finally brought down by Capitol Police firing silver bullets

from a pistol blessed by a gypsy woman.

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