Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, cats and dogs,

I sit before you today absolutely shocked to learn

that President Donald Trump stands accused of paying off

women to keep them silent about his adulterous affairs.

The sleaziness of this behavior is out of keeping

everything I know about this president,

because after all, normally when I look up at a building

and see the gigantic gold letters spelling Trump on top of it,

I think that's class.

But let's put this in some perspective.

In the last election, we had a choice between a candidate

who paid off women to keep them silent about adulterous

affairs and Donald Trump.

And I thought to myself, do I want to elect a woman

who was promised to gut the Second Amendment

and seriously damage the first?

Or do I want to elect a man who's being blackmailed

by some seriously banging chicks

and will leave my first and second amendment rights

alone because he has no idea what they are?

And I admit, faced with those options,

I look back sadly on America's better days

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