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Slack.com slash DHQ. The clavineless week begins today, but don't despair. Now, right,

despair. But try not to hurt yourself. Or if you must hurt yourself, try not to get any

blood on the furniture. It's possible some of you may even survive until my return.

No, really, it's possible. But when ingesting media for yourself, while I'm gone, here

are a few tips to keep you sane. When watching the news, remember news stories about things

that are going to happen in the future are not news stories about things that are going

to happen in the future. Stories about the midterm blue wave, impeachment proceedings,

who Robert Mueller will indict, and who Donald Trump will fire next are the fantasies

of unnamed sources, hoping to feed the fantasies of reporters who are hoping to feed your fantasies

in the belief that enough people have the same fantasy, it will all magically come true.

Although eventually Donald Trump will fire everybody. To hold onto your sanity while I'm

away also, try not to watch too many fictional stories in which it's difficult to tell what's

real and what isn't, like Westworld or the Chris Cuomo show. And three, for your own safety,

if a friend says to you, hey, let's drink a shot of whiskey every time CNN interviews

stormy Daniels lawyer Michael Avonotti. Just say no, there's only so much the human

liver can bear. Other than that, while I'm gone, walk slowly, drink lots of water, and

remember the immortal words of Kanye West, I'm living in the future so the present is

...