This is Annie Grace and you're listening to this naked mind podcast where without judgment,

pain or rules, we explore the role of alcohol in our lives and culture.

Hi friends, this is Annie Grace. Sorry I tried that, had internet issues so hopefully I've reset the

modem and this will work. I am the author of this naked mind and I am answering readers questions

and today's question comes from Amy. Amy says, my question is how do you deal if you quit drinking but

your spouse hasn't? Also in social situations it's generally fine at first but then you see everybody

getting really intoxicated and annoying and how can I deal with that any advice. So first Amy,

let's talk about this spouse. I think that it does without saying that every relationship demands

compromise and adaptation to change and your change to stop drinking is honestly a huge change

with lots of ripples throughout a lot of your marriage especially if you both drink a lot together.

So I think that the expectation that your spouse would change with you is an expectation that

can be a hope but it shouldn't be an expectation and it shouldn't hinge on that and I know that

this might not be kind of the most popular thing to say because we'd all like to change the people

that were married to in some regard but I think that your focus really should be on keeping your

marriage whole and healthy and open and honest and communicative through this change rather than

the focus should be on changing them and that's for a few reasons. First of all I believe that your

chance of changing your spouse is much better, infinitely better and definitely from my own experience

when you have an open, honest, accepting relationship where they don't feel judged, where they don't

feel like you're looking over their shoulder and where they feel accepted just as they are. That

encourages self-reflection where if you are kind of looking at them in a different way now and judging

their drinking or even questioning their drinking that's going to encourage defensiveness. So I

actually think your best chance of having your spouse come to the realization of wanting to change

...