Ep 382 Bad Advice, Good Marriage with Monica and Ben
Marriage Therapy Radio
MTR
4.6 • 690 Ratings
🗓️ 22 July 2025
⏱️ 49 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Zach sits down with Monica Tanner—coach, podcast host, and author of Bad Marriage Advice—and her husband Ben, a self-proclaimed private “civilian.” Together, they share how their 23-year marriage has evolved from survival mode to a deeply intentional partnership.
The conversation moves from parenting young adults to debunking cliché marriage advice like “don’t go to bed angry” and “happy wife, happy life.” Monica opens up about abandonment wounds, anxiety, and the healing that came through personal work and communication. Ben offers a grounded perspective on emotional processing, individual growth, and learning how to show up with humility and humor.
Whether you're the fixer or the withdrawer in conflict, this episode offers insight into how couples can grow together by getting curious, staying patient, and prioritizing mutual respect.
Key Takeaways
-
Bad marriage advice lingers—until you replace it with something better
Monica and Ben describe how the phrase “don’t go to bed angry” caused years of unnecessary distress until they found a compassionate workaround that honored both their needs. -
Self-work strengthens the marriage
Ben emphasizes how personal growth—working on his patience and emotional regulation—helped him become a better partner. -
Conflict patterns are rooted in the past
Monica shares how her abandonment trauma shaped her reactions in marriage, and how learning to identify and express her emotions helped them both grow. -
Intentionality transformed their relationship
A moment of debilitating anxiety marked a turning point for Monica, leading her to redefine how she showed up in her family and marriage. -
Fun, friendship, and physical activity keep them connected
From daily walks to travel adventures, Monica and Ben prioritize shared time, conversation, and experiences as cornerstones of their relationship.
Guest Info
Monica Tanner
Relationship coach, podcast host, and author of the upcoming book Bad Marriage Advice. https://www.monicatanner.com/
Ben Tanner
Entrepreneur.
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Hey, everybody. Welcome. And thank you for listening to this episode of Marriage Therapy Radio. My name is Zach Brittle. I'm here today with Monica and Ben. I met Monica in Orlando at the Relational Life Therapy Conference. She was immediately intriguing to me because she's written a book with a great title that I wish I had thought of first. It's called Bad Marriage Advice. Today we talked to her and Ben. They've been together for |
| 0:21.6 | a very long time. They have weathered several significant ups and downs, and they've had to |
| 0:27.0 | grapple with bad marriage advice and also try to figure out how to pass some of it on to their kids. |
| 0:33.2 | It was a delightful conversation. I'm glad to share it with you. Before we start, I want to remind |
| 0:37.1 | you about our Patreon. I have started doing some interviews with couples that I'm calling 15 questions in 15 minutes. It's pretty exciting. If you are interested in answering 15 questions in 15 minutes, shoot me an email. You can do that at info at marriagetherapyradio.com. And if you are not yet a member of our Patreon community, please consider |
| 0:55.0 | joining over there. You can go to patreon.com slash marriage therapy radio. Becoming a paid member is a |
| 1:00.0 | great way to support Marriage Therapy Radio and keep us on the air. I'm grateful. I also am continuing |
| 1:04.7 | to write. I'm proud of myself over at stuff I write.com. I've been weekly uh articles or thoughts blog posts i guess about |
| 1:14.1 | things that aren't strictly relationship related but are on my mind if that's of interest to you |
| 1:18.8 | go to stuff i write dot com you can become a subscriber over there i want to thank those of you who |
| 1:23.0 | have joined up recently it's fun to have you board. And it's good to be accountable to creative |
| 1:28.2 | thinking. So yeah, join our Patreon. Check me out at stuff I write.com. Hang out with Monica and Ben. |
| 1:33.6 | This is a very cool conversation. Stick around. How you doing? Thanks so much for coming on with me. |
| 1:38.4 | This is going to be fun. I'm looking forward to it. Monica, the coach and Ben, the civilian. |
| 1:44.5 | Yeah. Just a civilian. |
| 1:47.4 | Have you ever been on a podcast before? |
| 1:49.1 | I think we did like a really brief one a few years ago and it was pretty miserable. |
| 1:55.0 | So I vowed never to do it again. |
| 1:56.5 | Oh, no. |
| 1:57.5 | What was miserable about it? |
| 1:59.6 | Oh, I just, I don't know. I don't like talking about myself. |
| 2:04.1 | It's probably more than anything. All right. It's uncomfortable. Well, I was going to open with a broad, |
... |
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