This is Annie Grace and you're listening to this naked mind podcast where without judgment,

pain or rules, we explore the role of alcohol in our lives and culture.

Hey, it's Annie Grace and I am answering Reader's questions and today's question is a pretty simple one,

but with a lot of depth. So the question is simply how do you manage angry family members when you've had a setback?

Oh, big, big question and few words. So I'm excited to dig into this one. I think that one of the principles I like to be guided by in relationship

is what is the outcome I desire and how that would guide me in my marriage, for example, is the outcome I desire to be on the same team

and to be in relationship or is the outcome I desire to be right and justified. And your brain is going to tell you you just want to be right.

Of course it is, but if you can slow down enough and say, okay, what is the outcome I desire and usually when I'm having a problem in my marriage,

if I can slow down enough and manage my emotions enough and maybe take a breath and take a second away and write it out and journal it, I can say, oh, wait, no, I'm not actually,

I don't really care that much about being right. I actually care a lot more about the relationship. And so I would ask yourself this as a very, very first question.

Before you even start, what is the outcome you desire? You know, is the outcome you desire to protect your emotions or to truly build trust with them?

Because often we will take what happens in relationship is that, you know, it's almost as if you're, you want to be on the same side, you want to be on the same team, you want to be both facing the same way,

shoulders to shoulder, going for the same goal. But often what happens is we get confused and we put each other on other opposing teams. And all of a sudden we're fighting against each other. And we lose sight of, wait, what's the outcome I want, which is what is the goal that we both want side by side,

which is the goal. You probably actually want the same goal. You know, if you're framing this as having a setback, you probably actually want the goal of you being alcohol free. They want the goal of you being alcohol free.

Okay, so the natural feeling, I'm just going to walk you through what I've noticed is kind of my, I guess it's five stages of feeling an emotion when I have something, a big problem in that I, when I've done something wrong,

when I've seen someone else do something wrong, when something, when something really emotional comes up, okay. And the first stage, so you've had a setback, the first stage is shame.

This is what we feel. They get mad at you, you feel shame. What do you want to do during shame? You want to run away, you want to disconnect, you want to hide, you want to be a part, you want to be separate, you want to lick your wounds, you feel shameful.

Shame is characterized by needing to hide, needing to disconnect, needing to push away that shame. Now of course, that's what you feel. Now immediately shame feels so bad and shame is an internally directed emotion. You're judging and you're feeling something against yourself. And it feels so bad that often you very quickly can move into blame.

And blame isn't externally focused emotion. And blame says, how dare they, I'm trying as hard as I can. Like why are they so mad? Don't they see how the progress I've made? Haven't they been paying attention? Isn't this great already? What is their problem? And all of a sudden it feels so much better than shame because it's external, you're blaming them, okay.

And from shame to blame is a pretty easy jump. You feel shame and you can go right into blame. Blaming them for not giving you a chance, not believing you, you know, not seeing the progress you're already made, stuff like that.

And usually we have the conversation with the people we love when we are firmly in that moment of blame. Why? Because in shame we don't want to have a conversation because we're hiding. But blame, we are fueled, all shame has no energy. Shame is a put the covers over the head, hide emotion.

Blame has energy. It is angry energy. We are fueled by anger, we are fueled by righteousness, we are fueled by feeling justified, we are fueled by feeling we had this short end of the stick, someone did us wrong and we blame.

...