I'm Natalie Lou and you're listening to the baggage reclaim sessions.

Hello hello how are you doing?

Over the last several months in particular, I've received a lot of requests for me to do an episode on affairs. Now this is a pretty big topic that will certainly need more than one episode but I want to dive in anyway and really talk about why some people have affairs because there are actually some pretty

pervasive jacked up beliefs about why affairs occur. When we hear about an affair, although we might raise our

eyebrows and think all sorts of things about the person who cheated, the person who actually tends to receive the most judgment is

do the partner. A hell of a lot of us are guilty of assuming that affairs occur because the person isn't having

their needs met because their partner and the relationship weren't satisfying them. We think the affair is a sign that there

must be something wrong with their partner and that the relationship was going for a difficult

time or dead in the water?

Uh, no. When we reverse engineer these common assumptions,

it reveals an inherent belief that cheating is something someone only does because of something or someone else

and that if a person is good enough and leaving no stone unturned for their partner to be satisfied,

they won't have a reason to look elsewhere.

No. Affairs are the result of having problem solving issues. The person who cheats, as well as the affair partner are looking for external solutions to an internal issue.

Internal meaning something going on within themselves, the relationship or something else going on in their life.

So for example, work issues or bereavement or family illness.

When they encounter uncomfortable thoughts, feelings and situations and they want to avoid these,

or when they feel, think, or experience certain things that build as a trigger for avoiding intimacy, acting out or feeling trapped,

an affair is used to numb those feelings or to provide an escape and like an upper from them.

Problem solving issues include knowing or responding to

and articulating their needs, resolving problems and conflict resolution,

feeling their feelings and processing difficult events, and communicating honestly and openly. There is and

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