Big money Democrats who gave over a billion dollars to the campaign of Hillary Clinton

have asked the Democrat Party to examine why their candidate lost to some

orange guy who basically spent 17 bucks on a hat that said make America great

again with great spelled GRAT. In response, the Democratic Party has prepared

this exhaustive report.

After a searching moral inventory of ourselves and our own actions, we have

determined that the reason Hillary Clinton lost the election had nothing to do

with ourselves or our own actions. Clearly the outcome was skewed when Vladimir

Putin and an army of angry white men hacked into Hillary Clinton's private

emails by using the dark Russian slash white man technology of looking over

her shoulder while she was using her cell phone. These emails gave voters the

false impression that Hillary was actually who she was instead of who she was

pretending to be. At this point, Julian Assange kidnapped John Podesta and forced

him at gunpoint to become a cynical and corrupt agent of a Democrat machine

that no longer cared about the good of the people but only about consolidating

and holding onto power. Podesta's emails were then smuggled to Russia where

Putin released his winged monkeys to distribute them among the populace, causing

Hillary to release a loud screeching noise that turned out to be her normal

speaking voice. Faced with the prospect of listening to that voice for four more

years, voters apparently chose to vote for Trump rather than sticking knitting

needles up their noses and swirling them around until they destroyed the

hearing centers of their brains. At the very same time FBI director James

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