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The White House has released a transcript of the speech President Barack Obama plans to make at the Democratic Convention tonight here, or some excerpts.

Quote,

Good evening everybody. It's wonderful to stand before you today, knowing that I will not be running for re-election and can finally say whatever I want to say about Hillary Clinton.

As you may recall, in the primaries eight years ago, I beat Hillary like a drum, or maybe it was more like an old wrinkly blanket hanging from a laundry line or like a dusty rug.

But the point is, when I was done with her, there was barely anything left, but a pantsuit, and a few straggly hanks of dyed blonde hair.

That Hillary Clinton could survive a humiliating trouncing like that and come back ready for a fight, is an inspiring tribute to her will to power, which reminds me of one of those supervillains in the Marvel comics, who will stop it nothing to achieve their goals, even if it means wiping out an entire city or blowing the planet to smithereens.

Just watching Hillary continue to scratch and claw toward the nomination, after enduring the excruciating embarrassment of having a 74 year old socialist come this close to derailing her campaign, well, it was like watching that opening episode of The Walking Dead, where the half eaten corpse of a woman keeps pulling her putrid rotten body through the grass, powered by nothing but ravining hunger, who could fail to be inspired by something like that.

After the head of the FBI stood up in front of the entire nation and called Hillary a liar again and again and again and again, and yes, I would have to say again, to have Hillary still continue, to be willing to show her face in public, as long as it meant there was some small chance you might get her claws on the reins of power, it should remind us all of what made this country great.

Or maybe what made this country great was honorable men risking their lives to establish a new idea of freedom, but I'm sure there's some similarity. Maybe not.

Anyway, whether Hillary goes forward to become the blackmailed puppet of Vladimir Putin before getting impeached for perjury, or whether she loses to an orange-haired orangutan, who by all right shouldn't be able to win an election for dog catcher, you can bet that I'm going to get a laugh out of it, and after next January, that's pretty much all I care about.

After the White House released the transcript of the president's planned remarks, the three major networks released their transcripts of their planned analysis of the remarks.

ABC will call the speech an uplifting, inspiring end to this chapter and a historic president's magnificent career. CBS will call it an inspiring and uplifting end to a magnificent president's chapter in history.

And NBC will call it a magnificent end of inspiring uplifting and uplifting chapter of inspiration of magnificent history, uplift magnificent inspiration president.

The network commentators have re-recorded their analysis so they can watch real housewives of New York City instead of suffering through the speech itself.

Trigger warning, I'm Andrew Clayton, and this is the Andrew Clayton show.

They just send out those words, dark magnificent uplifting. Anyway, here's my question. Is Bill Clinton speech over yet?

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