New Year, new me. Nah. I'm fine just the way I am. Doing the things I love. Like enjoying

a latte on the bus with some music or on a walk with a friend. My only resolution is

to enjoy more of what I love. Like switching up my usual with oat, soy, almond or coconut.

All delicious non-dairy alternatives available at Starbucks. For no extra charge. While stocks

last, subject to availability. Standing in the smoking rubble of the

clave-in-less weekend, contemplating the disaster that is the result of eight years of

Democrat policies, some of you may wonder, what is there left that we can laugh at?

Ah, but that's where the Republicans come in. Yes, today begins the GOP convention,

when the only party that can prevent America from blowing itself to bits will blow itself

to bits. Let's take a look at the scheduled events. The convention begins with a rousing

rendition of this year's theme song, Yahoo, It's an utter debacle. Following an opening riot,

a marching band will parade through the convention trying to escape. After that Senator Tom Cotton

will make the first speech entitled, I just look like Tom Cotton, he's not really here.

After that, Donald Trump's wife Melania and Senator Joni Ernest will appear on stage and Melania

will explain to Joni where she bought her terrific breasts. And finally the ball will be passed

to Tim Teebo, who will drop it, recover it, run ten yards in the wrong direction, then hurl

a panic pass into a clutch of defenders, and finally fall to one knee to thank the good lord

that the rumors he'd be speaking here turned out to be untrue. The evening concludes with someone

trying to remember the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner. Tuesday will either be the second day

of the convention or the third month, depending whether you're measuring by the calendar or by how

much time has been subtracted from your lifespan. I'm never going to get through this. The opening

speaker will be Dana White, the president of Ultimate Fighting Championship, who will demonstrate

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