New Year, new me. Nah. I'm fine just the way I am. Doing the things I love. Like enjoying

a latte on the bus with some music or on a walk with a friend. My only resolution is

to enjoy more of what I love. Like switching up my usual with oat, soy, almond or coconut.

All delicious non-dairy alternatives available at Starbucks. For no extra charge. While stocks

last, subject to availability. As the conventions approach, the political parties are beginning

to draft their platforms. By tradition, these statements of policy will be written down

on small squares of paper, which are then placed on a roll and hung ceremonially next to

the toilet. Will they be easy to reach? The Democrat platform is promising new incentives

for small businesses so that they can grow bigger and make greater profits, which will then

be taxed away and given to unemployed troublemakers to fund protests against big business for

making the money they spent on the protests against the money they spent on the protests.

Other Democrat business policies will include minimum wage laws, telling businesses how much

they have to pay the employees they won't be hiring because they can't afford to pay that much.

And they'll be hiring quotas that will make sure each business looks like America,

fat and angry. The Republican platform concentrates on environmental and social issues. Republicans

want to reinvigorate the coal industry so that each American has enough coal to set fire to

illegal immigrants who can then be used as torches to burn down the Supreme Court. Once the court

is gone, the GOP promises it will outlaw gay marriage and will demand that homosexuals

limit their relationships to a series of fervent encounters in public parks and restrooms.

The Democrat platform deals with social issues by calling for the formation of a committee

that will study which traditions and taboos serve to keep civilization intact and will then

root them up one by one and destroy them. This will ensure that transgender men, for instance,

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