Ep 142: The Hairtaker
Improvised Star Trek
USS Sisyphus
4.9 • 573 Ratings
🗓️ 17 July 2016
⏱️ 26 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
The crew goes on a first contact with a new species... or race? Insecurities run high and Lorem gets shaved in this thinly veiled, pretty spot on remake of the Voyager pilot.
Improvised on January 24th 2016. Title suggestion by @spywrite via Twitter.
Edited by Hannah Parsons
Starring:
Chris Rathjen as Commander Corbomite Hayes
Nick Wagner as Lt. Ch'arles Lorem
Mary Cait Walthall as Dr. Zarlene Zonalzon
Griffen Eckstein as Lt. Cdr. Fritz Fassbender and Ensign Lacky
and
Special Guest/Editor Hannah Parsons as Two-Vicks, Nice Southern sounding lady and Ensign Adora
This episode is sponsored by Iventables
Check out: Hello from the Magic Tavern
Transcript
Click on a timestamp to play from that location
| 0:00.0 | This episode of the Improvised Star Trek is sponsored by Inventables, the hardware store for designers. |
| 0:07.7 | Learn more about Carvey, their new 3D carving machine at Inventables.com. |
| 0:19.2 | Greetings. |
| 0:26.6 | Greetings. Hello. I am Commander Coramite Hayes, the Federation Starfish. Ah, man, can we take this from the top? |
| 0:29.6 | Man, what are you thinking about, man? |
| 0:31.6 | I'm thinking about fish. I'm thinking about fish. I'm going to have, like, they're doing a drought thing down in, anyway. |
| 0:35.6 | I'm sorry, is this the ship I was supposed to make first contact with? Yes, we are the United Federation of Planets Starfish. God, I did it again. Did it again. Is that the name of your... No, it's not. You'll get it. The Starship Sisyphus. Yes, we are the Starship Sisyphus. From... The United Federation of the Planets. Okay, thank you. I've taken notes now, okay? Okay, and you are? I am Tuvix. Tuvix, okay. No relation. From the... No relation. Oh, usually I get a lot of people. |
| 1:11.8 | It's a story. Must be a thing on your planet. |
| 1:13.2 | Well, would you like to hear the story? |
| 1:14.8 | I usually don't open with this. Okay, let's be real. I do open with this. Whatever your culture, however your culture usually opens. I didn't know this is going to be a stand-up routine. I don't know if you can tell, but I was a, as we call on our planet, a Siamese twin, and my sister, |
| 1:31.3 | Victoria, died. She died. I woke up one morning and she had been strangled. So her name was Victoria, |
| 1:39.3 | and my name was Vic Vanessa. And instead of carrying that forward, I decided to remember my sister, |
| 1:47.0 | and I now go by two Vicks. |
| 1:50.0 | Two Vicks. |
| 1:51.0 | So, yeah, that's the story. |
| 1:53.0 | I like to remember my sister every day through my name. |
| 1:55.0 | I'm so sorry for your loss. |
| 1:57.0 | Thank you. |
| 1:58.0 | Thank you very much. |
| 1:59.0 | She was a wonderful sister. She really enjoyed, we call it |
| 2:02.8 | on My Planet French fries. Wow, your planet seems really... We're still calling them Freedom Fries. |
| 2:07.8 | Well, I mean, you came out and you met us halfway. Where is your planet? We are peaceful. Thank you for |
... |
Please login to see the full transcript.
Disclaimer: The podcast and artwork embedded on this page are from USS Sisyphus, and are the property of its owner and not affiliated with or endorsed by Tapesearch.
Generated transcripts are the property of USS Sisyphus and are distributed freely under the Fair Use doctrine. Transcripts generated by Tapesearch are not guaranteed to be accurate.
Copyright © Tapesearch 2026.