A new federally funded study has scientists investigating a mystery of nature.

Why does owning a gun change a person's name to Muhammad?

Federally funded scientists have long been aware that every time a shooting occurs in America,

the perpetrator uses a gun, and they've therefore determined beyond a doubt that gun ownership

causes people to become evil.

But recently, these same scientists have noticed that many of the people who have been made evil by guns

have also developed the name Muhammad or some other name associated with the Middle East.

They are now trying to discover why gun ownership would cause someone to have such a name.

Federally funded scientists, Professor Clueless von Quizical told reporters,

we know that guns make people evil because we received over a billion dollars in federal grants

to do a study called how guns make people evil.

If guns didn't make people evil, then I wouldn't own this Mercedes,

and that just doesn't make any sense.

But why do all the gun-made evil people suddenly develop Middle Eastern names?

That's a mystery that could get me a Maserati.

von Quizical went on to say that he was also hoping to find a link between guns and climate change

because he said, quote, if you can't find a connection to climate change,

you are just leaving money on the table.

In Asomber appearance after the latest incident of a gun turning a person's name Middle Eastern,

future former president Barack Obama said, quote, how long, oh, how long?

Will the American people fail to live up to my admittedly unreachable standards of insight and wisdom?

When or when will this sinful generation hear my message and understand that it is guns,

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