In the wake of two attempts on Donald Trump's life, government officials are hard at work trying to determine why so many assassins are trying to kill a man government officials want dead.

In their fearless pursuit of the truth, the Justice Department this week

released a letter from the latest would-be killer in which the gunman offered $150,000

to anyone who would finish Trump off. In an appearance before the news media,

Attorney General Merrick Garland said,

quote, I am absolutely appalled that this vicious criminal

would offer so much money for what would be 15 minutes work 20 tops it's a very

dangerous precedent after all just imagine what someone could buy without much

money even if you had to lay out say 6k for sniper rifle, you'd still have enough left to buy almost anything you wanted.

And boy, oh boy, don't the girls go for a man who flashes that big green?

It's disgraceful that anyone would think loyal Americans would take money to

eliminate an existential threat to democracy, unquote. The attorney general went on to

tell the news media, quote, the DOJ will do everything we can to foil the plans of fanatical

Trump-hating sociopaths present company accepted."

Unquote.

Congress, meanwhile, continues its investigation into the security failures

that led to the July attempt on Trump's life in Butler, Pennsylvania.

Democrat Chairman of the Homeland Security Committee Senator Gary Peters

told reporters reporters quote,

we are determined to find out how a sniper got on top of a roof

only a hundred yards away from Trump with an absolutely perfect line of sight

where it should have been almost impossible for him to miss.

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