Now that the first Republican debate is over, it's time to take a look at the overall state of the

upcoming election while weeping quietly into soggy pages torn in a fit of anguish from the book

of Revelation. On the Republican side, those who attended the debate included the dull guy,

the other dull guy, the fat guy, the girl, the black guy, but he seems nice enough, the irritating

skinny guy plus the what's his name guy and the who the hell even is that guy. One or two of the

candidates got a bump in the polls after the debate when they distinguished themselves by having

certain opinions, but no one can remember which candidates were what opinions and by now the

bump has gone so really who cares. Miami mayor Francis Suarez has dropped out of the race

sending shockwaves through Miami when people there learned that the city had a mayor and his name

was Francis Suarez and he had been off somewhere running for president instead of getting the locals

to speak English and stop killing each other. This means that as of today, the 2024 presidential

race seems likely to come down to the Democrat who's a dead guy and the Republican front runner

assumed to be convicted felon. A felon is slightly ahead and the polls accept on those days when

the dead guy is ahead, but many people are convinced that the felon is the country's only hope

unless it's the dead guy. The news media, of course, heavily favors the dead guy and has gone to

great lengths to prove to the public that he's not really dead, but only looks dead because he

so corrupt his soul is full of immoral emptiness that resembles death, sort of like Macbeth when he

makes that tomorrow and tomorrow's speech at the end of the play, except silently because obviously

this guy is dead. In order to prove that the dead guy is not really a dead guy, reporters at USA

today were pulled off their usual beat of drawing colorful pie charts for blithering idiots and were

assigned instead to study pictures of the dead guy for signs of life. To do this, they enlarge the

pictures of the dead guy until it finally became clear that he was not in fact a corpse,

...