Hello and welcome to Something's Off with Andrew Heaton. I'm your host

Andrew Heaton and your car gets pretty good gas mileage. Well, it's almost May and

yet again no universities have decided to give me an honorary degree, not even

Vassar, despite the fact that I'm a former diplomat and have never been convicted of arson.

Given how expensive degrees are, though, maybe,

universities don't want to pass out lam skins for fear of devaluing their,

deflating their value.

Now, I graduated from the University of Oklahoma with majors in history and

religious studies because of the big history factory down the street from my hometown in

the history district. Originally I have been accepted to Vanderbilt, which I've never actually been to,

and I don't know a lot about, other than it sounds prestigious.

And I also imagine people who matriculate there

and know what boat shoes are.

I think they're loafers. I had

intended to go to Vanderbilt to get a theater degree, but my parents talked me out of

that because I could go to the University of Oklahoma with in-state tuition on a

partial scholarship or I could go to Vanderbilt and mortgage my kidneys for an expensive but useless theater degree.

Their position was that an expensive Vanderbilt boat shoes degree made sense if I wanted to go into the business world

and make connections at the college or if I managed to drop a baby anchor and some

moneyed debutante and could spend the rest of my life drinking

mint julips on a plantation.

My ability is to close a deal, however, in business or with debutants is questionable

...