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Slack.com slash DHQ. Facebook went offline this week, sending shockwaves of anguish throughout

the world as people suddenly realized they'd been wasting their one and only lives on Facebook.

The site came back on after six hours, causing users everywhere to breathe a sigh of relief

at the fact that they could continue to waste their one and only lives. The outage was

caused when something journalists pretend to understand but don't, stop interfacing with

something else journalists pretend to understand but don't. Whatever the hell interfacing means.

In being a complex interaction between things journalists pretend to understand but don't,

the Facebook collapse resembled the American economy, American politics, the Constitution,

and the shockingly rapid process by which these same uncomprehending journalists have been

transformed from idealistic go-getters into walking dead corporate slaves, brainlessly

uttering half-truths geared to increase the power of the powerful while daydreaming they

might one day install a mat-lower-style button under their desk that will lock the door while

they sexually harass the interns. In the aftermath of the Facebook outage horror stories about

the six-hour blackout emerged. For instance, Michael Blitzman, who had 16,000 Facebook friends

suddenly discovered that he actually had no friends and was living alone in his mother's

basement even though his mother had died two weeks ago and was rotting away in a rocking

chair like the climactic scene of psycho while Michael was in the basement mucking around

...