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Slack.com slash DHQ. The CDC has issued new COVID guidelines in the hope of brightening

our day with the gift of laughter during this difficult time. The CDC, which is short

for C, D.C. has even corrupted the medical profession, said it was issuing the new guidelines

in response to deepening fears that blaming Trump and Fox News for their incompetence was

not fooling anybody. The new guidelines are as follows.

In one, do not panic, calmly and quietly. Lock yourself inside your apartment and in

an orderly manner, collect all your furniture and pile it up against the door. Do not allow

anyone to come close to you or touch you or make prolonged eye contact with you or call

you by terms of familiarity like bud or bro or mom or dad. It might just be a trick to

get on your good side, then give you the disease once you've let down your guard. Remember,

we're all in this together, except for everyone else. Guideline B, follow the science. If

anyone exhibiting symptoms comes within sight immediately, make the sign of the cross and

hold up a clove of garlic, preferably one that has been minced and simmered in butter

with just a soup song of lemon juice and perhaps a spring of parsley. Then cleanse your

immediate area by uttering an incantation of appeasement to the queen priestess while

cutting off the head of a chicken that has been dressed up to look like Dr. Fauci. In fact,

if possible, everyone should dress up like Dr. Fauci. That way, if they get sick, at

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