Hi. You're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about emotion coaching. Emotion coaching probably isn't what you're envisioning

in your head, though. Do you picture someone on the sidelines telling you how to feel?

That's not it. It's about understanding and regulating emotions. Emotion coaching is typically for parents to do with their kids, but the concepts explored in emotion coaching are really beneficial to adults as well. By being mindful of each other's feelings, you can use emotion coaching in your

relationship to become more emotionally intelligent. What does that mean? Emotional intelligence is about

emotional self-control and mindfulness of others, which may mean that if you have a higher degree

of emotional intelligence, you'll be more able to keep your temper under control if you're faced with a frustrating or angering situation.

So where do you begin? There are five essential steps of emotion coaching. Let's start with the first. Be aware of your partner's emotion. Recognize that they're feeling a certain way, whether it's good or bad. Then, recognize your partner's expression of

emotion as a perfect moment for intimacy. Lean into it. Did you just notice that your partner is

really mad? Don't back out of the driveway and run away from it. Look at it as an opportunity to connect.

This next step is big. Listen with empathy and validate your

partner's feelings. When your partner is upset, whether at you or at someone else,

empathizing with them and validating what they say will help you successfully navigate conflict.

But it's easier said than done. We know. Now, if you notice that your partner is struggling with how they're feeling, help them label their emotions with words. Ask, what are you feeling? Let them express their emotions and be present in that moment. Sometimes all you need to do is just listen. And for the final step, set limits when you are helping your partner solve problems or deal with upsetting situations appropriately.

Consider setting a time limit on these conversations, which could sometimes last for hours.

A time limit could keep you both engaged and keep either of you from becoming preoccupied over when the conversation

will end. Taking these steps can help you become aware of your partner's feelings and of your

own and help unpack those sometimes difficult emotions. So here's today's small thing.

Show your loved one respect and understanding in moments when they feel misunderstood, upset, or frustrated.

Talk through their feelings with them and try to understand their source.

Tune in to the next episode of Small Things Often for another quick tip from the Gottman Institute,

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