Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about keeping your relationship strong while dealing with stress.

Life can be stressful. We all can feel a little on edge sometimes and that can have an effect on your relationships.

Let's say you've been working through some issues with your partner.

You've both made a big effort to repair past issues, to be more self-aware, to connect with each other, and to communicate.

You're seeing big positive changes.

But then in life, things start hitting the fan, things that don't have

anything to do with your relationship until they do. Why? Because under stress, we all regress.

Stressful conditions can activate trauma triggers, sometimes causing us to fall back into our

old coping mechanisms. All that time you spent working on not

snapping at your partner might seem like it was just flush down the toilet. And suddenly your

sharp tongue is back and you're quickly triggered over things that you've learned to talk calmly about.

But when you're stressed out, calm can be difficult. Or maybe you don't use harsh words. But once again,

you started giving your partner

the silent treatment instead of letting them in. Maybe you've battled years of curling up into

your shell as a way to cope. And when you find yourself in a really stressful situation,

curling up once again can be an automatic reaction, because maybe it's what you learned to do,

until you learned a healthier way to cope.

So how do you get back to that healthy place for both you and your relationship?

First of all, don't feel like your hard work was wasted. It's not. Setbacks don't mean failure.

Once you're able to attune to yourself and self-soothe, your stronger, wiser self will likely

return, and when you get back to a good place, intentionally turn toward your partner with warm

...